Elizabeth

Haha!
I remember wanting to write story. A true story about Elizabeth. :p Probably, she's blushing... Oh well, i'll postpone it one day.
All the time i spent with her, i could just easily recall just by a snap of my fingers...
Yesterday, i regretted missing service. Well, we both regretted. Sorry N402. Sorry W387 on behalf of Eliz.
We met up early supposingly to go for lunch. (Stomach just GROWLED! So coincidental!) We saw Sarah at Toys R' Us at Jurong Point... Couldn't it be even more coincidental? The fear in her grew... Guilt. "Don't be too emotionally attached." It ought to be just like any casual meetup for lunch but well, it was something else.
I knew what to expect the moment i saw Sarah. My own member... Sabotage. I can't care anymore. "Oh she's gonna tell the whole world that we met up..." It was going through my mind... On and on and on...
Yes, i began to feel like, "I'm not going to church." No, i didn't get Eliz to miss service, she didn't want to. AND i chose to be with her...
We headed to Changi Airport. I don't know why, but well, travelling from one end to another... Eliz had moodswings throughout the whole journey. And the only happy thing that happened was when my tip of my converse shoes turned white... Well, she stepped on me, for fun... Eliz, you don't owe me a pair of shoes lah!!!

At Changi Airport, we just felt low... I couldn't hide my sudden disappointments. What am I to her now? It was all that i felt... No longer someone she likes. I can't force her to like me... I put so much hope. Things i wanted to go, should have happen naturally... But i'm so consumed by the many thoughts that run through my head. It totally affect her.

And last night, I would rather have shut my mouth than to ruin her day. She had a good day at lesson. I was probably tired and i started to say things. Was it really how i felt? Regrets. Regrets. I came to a point that i was really so concentrated on how i felt rather than how she feels. Eliz needs someone to she can share her problems with. Someone who has the key to unlock her burdens and free it. I want to be the person so desperately. But it's just a wishful thinking. Cos i realised that if i have to help her, i have to get rid of that feeling. What feeling? That love feeling. Yes, i admit that after a number of occassions i felt depress over this issue, i get over it time and time again. But it comes back. I have to make it permanent. I still love Eliz with all my heart. I don't know why. But i can't force her to like me. Yes she did, but not anymore. :(

It broke my heart just to think about whether she likes me or not. She did, now she don't. It keeps on repeating in my head. Everyone knows how much i went through just to be there for her. I don't have to. I was called a foolish person, people telling me to give up. But why can't I? And the reason is because i can't just abandon her like that. I want to see everything as a perspective of how a friennd cares for another. Not just because i love her and would like to be with her. I got to set things straight. They say, draw a line. I shared once with an online friend from Canada and it was really a spot-on as she remembered what i said about Elizabeth and I. "I don't want to get into a relationship with her at this time no matter how much i want it. I have to be patient. I'll wait when she's older."
And i felt i have not live up to that AT ALL! And what am i thinking? I was mean and selfish like monster from erm.... out of earth? I guessed i cared for Eliz in a wrong kinda way.

Eliz, we've been through alot and always, whenever you said 'suibian', i took the answer as yes. I didn't know how you really feel. I don't blame you.
We've become a hit in our cellgroups. People talking about us, gossiping about us, and it probably gave you alot of pressure. For me, i didn't care. But Eliz, understand one thing that your members care for you. No matter how much you feel that they don't. It's just like what everyone used to tell me, "Your mum may have scold you, beaten you and kicked you out of the house, but deep inside, there is this bitterness... She still loves you alot."
Of course, you're in no blood relation with any of your members, but it's an example that sometimes, they want to help you, but they have a difficult time trying to express it out to you. Dep down inside their hearts, they care for you because you are their members and their sis-in-Christ.

Sigh, the moment i speak about Christ, i felt a sense of guilt. I always wanted to be spiritual not for the sake of the people whom i fellowship with. But at times, i'm like being side-track and just forget everything about God.
This coming weekend, on Saturday, I'm coming back to heart of Jesus. I will want to go for Alter call. I have not backslide totally, but i'm reaching closer to it. And i don't want to fall again. And Eliz, i hope you would do the same. Run back to God. Not run away. REPENTANCE IN THE NAME OUR LORD, JESUS CHRIST! (Hmm... No more guilt! It's more like a powerful shout out to the world that i will come back stronger!)

Eliz, thanks for the time we spent together. It will always be in my memory. <3 At least i have something to remember. :P All the dumb things we did in public... Haha! Or is it only me doing the dumb things?
And yes, I still EXPECT myself to be there for you all the time... Wherever you are, whenever the time is.
And ELIZ! When i get a new pair of shoes next month, PLEASE PLEASE! Don't step on it... It's gonna be a white pair of converse shoes... :P

"God, from this day, i hope to see a brighter, cheerful Eliz. Take away the spirit of sorrrow, depression and confusion away that she may continue to live in Your glorious Kingdom. Forgive her for all her sins. Guide her though the path of Your righteousness... That in Your name, she shall cast the demons out. Strenghten her bond with her members, and her friends. Thank You Lord for bringing her friends back to her yesterday. Let her be able to see the good works in You. That whatever You've done will move her. Each day, let her wake up every morning with great expectancy and joy. Let her come to accept the things You've planned for her in life. That let her understand that the difficult times in life are the way You test her faith and not delibrate. So Father, pick Eliz up. Listen to her cries. Listen. She seeks Your help. Amen..."

That was a short prayer that went through my mind as i type. It just flowed naturally without having to type "backspace". So Eliz, ride and roll into a new life!
You're NEVER alone in this! We are all here for you.

Love you as always,
Robin (had a typo error... i typed, "Tobin")