THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE POSTED YESTERDAY... BUT DUE TO CONNECTION PROBLEM, I WASN'T ABLE TO. TYPED AT 5:30pm, 10 Feb.

Alot of things has been going through my head.Unsure of the things around me, doubts i bring to people I love brings me to a place isolated with pessimistic thoughts.Yup. I've been heavily affected by it and the at could bring me closer to death. She knows. But does she really know what i am going through? I'm not even sure. I felt a sudden feeling of not being able to be there for her when i am trying.Yesterday, I thought i could have spent the best time we have together, but it was more of an outing that i can hardly be myself. I tried. At times, it worked, at times, it doesn't. Even the thought of whacking a guy working at Carrefour Suntec for staring at Eliz with lust in his eyes, but didn't wanna get my hands dirty. He'll be sorry. One day.I told Eliz through sms about what i have been going through in life cos we realized that we barely know each other. And she assumed those are the reasons why i fell for her.It's not true. Maybe i shall tell the public not to gain sympathy, but rather a better understanding on who this Robin Li Zhilong is.

Ever since i was young, i lived with my mum and brother. Months after my dad left the family, I got a step father. He's not that wicked kind of step-father, but rather a doting one. Coming from a broken family never affected me. I was ok. Do i want to grow up and be in a happy family? Who doesn't.Primary school days, i was confined in my room by my mum. Disallowing me to watch tv for a year. And each time i sneak, i get beaten. Well, punished. It was hard... Depriving me of my childhood days when everyone is talking about the biggest hit on tv in school, i am totally clueless about it. I had poor results, and even if i did well, my mother was never satisfied.

Secondary school were the year i began life that i wish i never had.In Sec 1, i remember this girl Jeanette. Well, she was the first girl that i had a 'crush'. She had a bf then. It was quick especially when it was in the beginning of the first few days in school with a guy in my classmate. When they broke up, i became the scapegoat. The one everyone thought i was the cause of their broken relationship. It wasn't me. It was the guy's attitude towards others that she didn't like.And so, i was looking for someone i can be with. Young and foolish, looking for love at the wrong places... I was labelled with many nicknames... Not very nice. I wasn't well-liked among the chinese guys in the normal technical stream. And i was famous for it in school. I will remember one incident that i think wesley remembered. He was my secondary schoolmate. 2 girls accused me of 'staring' at them when i just glance past them with no intention of looking at them. And they were unhappy. The reason why i was picked on was because i was with friends with this unpopular girl in school, Francine. So, in the end, i became their target. I am always being circled by the chinese guys and knowing what to expect, i was helpless. Got into fights i never wanted to, but had to. So this 2 girls, gave me a choice. To be beaten up by their bfs or be slap by them. I chose to be slapped by them. It maybe more shameful, but it was less pain will be inflicted. And so, i'm not sure if i made the right choice. I got slapped when i was 16 by 2 girls. That was how timid and useless i was. And i knew, i can never be someone outspoken.

In my ITE years, i was looking for a better year. It was better. If not for a bunch of malay guys who provoke me for the kind of music i listen to. Metal. In Singapore, i don't understand why this genre solely belong to the malays. Just because i am chinese, the music i listen shouldn't be metal? What logic is that? So i always get picked on. Always avoiding them whenever i see the same people who will taunt at me. And so, i began reading more about the genre trying to prove i have the knowledge but it never do me good. My secondary school years chasing girls caught up with me in ITE. It didn't get me into trouble, but it left a bad impression as well...

Now that i met Eliz, all the thoughts of looking at other girls just left. I don't want it to catch up with me again. Never. And i know that this is what Eliz fear in me. I realised that she changed me alot. And it is difficult to give her what she wants cos i never know what she wants at all. At times, i get annoyed by her, 'dunno' replies. I look at her wrist. 28 slashes. What will people think? I am affected as well... People will question, "Did Robin do anything to hurt you?".

And i began feeling sensitive lately. Now, Eliz doubts me. I don't know what to do now. Again, i feel helpless. I thought she will be by my side, but it seems most likely, she's not.
Can i die now?