Brokeness

Actually, it's a good thing i didn't blog on the weekends... Everyone knew what was going on.
They just know.

Well, whatever she blogs, i gotta reply... :p

What is love, Robin? I guessed i overlooked the true meaning of love. I never understood it and got everything in the wrong places. What is worst is feeling that i've have made used of her.
I love Eliz so much and Nicole was right... She said, "I guessed this is your first time going through such a heartbreak, and your first time loving someone so much..." Yes. I love Eliz, and will always love her.

I can't deny that she was everything to me. I sacrifice so much for her, yet i still let her down. We still message constantly, and i still felt that there's this link that can never seperate us. I'm not sure if she felt that way too. Especially yesterday. I laid in my bed the whole of Sunday. Cursing myself for being someone who's unable to make her happy. She is, but i'm not satisfied with the way I treated her. Death came to my mind. Why? Without Eliz, there's nothing to look forward to in life. I am a stubborn person, hence, my star sign is Taurus... described as someone stubborn. :)

She said she can never love me the way she did before. Love shouldn't be forced. And i guess i have to accept that. But in my heart, it's not ours to decide at this moment. I mean, i'm looking down the road, in a few years time. Am i able to love her the way i love her now? Yes. I have faith in that. When you put your focus on to something, you'll succeed. Maybe in love, it works differently. But still, i'm convinced that sometimes it will work.

I told Eliz this and i hope it was a spot-on on why things didn't work out. Reason was because we hardly knew each other. How long have we been friends before we start going out and stuff? It was such a short period only to realise in the later stages that we barely know each other. If God would have given me a chance to love her again, i will reject. Not now. But later. I need to know Eliz and understand her better.

"well. sometimes i felt you were using me, sometimes i felt that i was forced to do what you want, because you always said i wanna die i wanna die.. and.. well, i was afraid you'd really die. well. i cant remember what happened."

Eliz, i read this just now. And I'm sorry. Yes, I will still be there for you... hoping to win you over again, as a much improved person. To make a fresh start as the mistakes were so costly. I won't deny that i would die over minor things for you... Perhaps, that doesn't show how much i love you, but rather blackmailing. Lately, death clouded my mind until yesterday. If i don't want to give up, i have to prove it. It's not me to decide whether i should be with you, or you to decide whether you can't love me again. GOD. But isn't deciding these things all at the wrong timing? You have your studies to concentrate. I have to quickly find a solution to what i'm gonna do after my army days. Lets not worry about this.
I believe in another chance. But i won't overlooked it especially when it comes to loving someone. It's not about the sweet words that we say to move you, it's the actions. Remember? Action speaks louder than words.
I see that you're a happier person now. I'm happy for you, and i know you don't want me to fall back to depression again. I won't. I'm glad with the way we are right now. I am.
Just give me time to get back on my feet again.