Jokingly, it pierced through my heart

I don't know...
Her words really speaks alot of things that will turn me off totally...
Words like, "Because you existed...", "you're irritating", "you're boring"
It gives me that feeling like, is she joking? I think not...
Maybe it's true... Maybe whatever she says is right. All those suited me fine and i shouldn't complain. I shouldn't deny.
But I can't expect myself to accept it as joke one after the other. And i told her why. She apologiesed, yet, she say the same stuff... I hate to be angry with her, cos i know at times, I am afraid that i get fired back at. And it will end up being me in the wrong.
I usually take the blame, "i never asked you to..." is probably in her mind is she reads this. Yes, you never asked me to, but i wanted to cos i don't want you to end up being hurt, and yet, i have to swallow every hurting words hurled at me.
"Because you existed", i could have died that day. To her it's joke, but not for me. How do you expect me to accept it?
Maybe i was too serious... was I?
Sigh... I wish sometimes, she would not be so ignorant about the words she say and take it as a joke. Yes, it's not wrong to joke, but there's a limit for it.
I don't know how she's going to take by reading this post... angry at me? come to me and apologise sincerely? Hate me? Whatever it is, i hope she understands.
Cos, i don't want her to suffer like that in her life ahead if she goes on like that.