Words are to difficult to explain how i'm feeling now... Misjudged? Overlooked? Heartbroken.

Totally broken.
She said i've been using her... Was I? I didn't had the intention to. NEVER. And now, she's going to stick to it before i can explain... I feel broken down. I've been wronged... But i know, i made the mistakes and it probably led her to think i'm using her... I wasn't... I wasn't giving any excuses for everything. If it was, i would be lying and i know that I've never lied to her.
My calls to her are not because i was bored. But rather, everyday, i really wanted to make sure she's alright. No MOTIVE at all. I just, care for her alot.

For the past 6 months till now, i did my best to love her at the very best i can. Soon, i realised that care has become control. Love has become desperation. I choose to blame no one but myself. We're all tired of this and barely had the time to really put our thoughts and differences together. And soon,

The mistakes i made:
1. I get sensitive when her members tried to help her and felt that they bad-mouth me
2. I soon began desperate to meet her when the her school holidays are over.
3. I began sulking and assuming when things don't go my way.
4. For the past few times we met, each time it ends with me being emo.
5. Hardly put God in the centre. Even if i did, it was like temporarily.
6. I get jealous when guys do something special i'm not capable of.
7. Saying sorry when i meant it but still, mistakes happen

And the good things i did that will be forgotten:
1. I took her out on her first expensive dinner at TCC.
2. I bought for her the first of 2 eeyore soft toy for Christmas.
3. On Valentines, i rushed from camp to buy a card and a bear for her.
4. I have been there to console her when she feels troubled.
5. On the day she felt low, i left fellowship to make sure she's ok.
6. I bought her a 2nd eeyore soft toy.
7. Walk her home when she's alone to make sure she's safe.
8. Visited her when she was sick. If i couldn't make it, i called Audrey and ask if she could pay her a visit.
9. Boost her self-esteem by encouraging her.
10. Never lied to her. Keeping her secrets.
11. Never tempted to fall for anyone. Being faithful and loyal.
12. The movies we watched together.
13. Turn her mood around and made her day
14. I give her morning call whenever she needs to go to school the next day.
15. Spent hours sweating to do a blogskin for her even when she didn't ask me to.

The things she has done for me:
1. Sacrificing time by staying late to spend time with me when i'm feeling low and troubled.
2. Lend me money when i had shortage for transport fare and food.
3. Got me a MeryMe album for Christmas.
4. Came home in time to countdown with me on New Years Eve
5. Boost my self-esteem by encouraging me
6. Accepted me for who i am when she saw the scars on my stomach
7. Was concern and accompanied me when my dad went to prison
8. Was concern when i let her know about my past and my broken family
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They say, 1 bad thing that happens changes everything. True. But i know myself well that I'm a humble person and will admit to my mistakes. I shoulder the blame even if nobody told me to just to make the other person feel better.
I wish Eliz really understand that my mistakes were never delibrate. Yes, a mistake is still a mistake. But when someone makes one, it's either he admits it or deny it. And i felt that it's cruel to let a humble person suffer even when he admits his wrongdoings...

Eliz, we've been through alot. And no, this is not the road that we wished would lead us to in the beginning.
I will be responsible for my mistakes and i'm aware of it. But i really hope to maintain this friendship with you.
Each word of sarcasm that you say, i felt broken. I told you the reason why, but you didn't care eliz. I wanted you to understand that I'm still human after all and we have feelings. You too.
I always wanted you to have self-esteem. I never laughed at you for who you were eliz, or what background you're from. And at times, when you're really low, your friend's mock at God, i was there eliz. There's too many things to say, but they are secrets to you and i shall not say like i promised.

We barely know each other, that's the truth. I hardly understood you, that's why i falter and look at me now. But eliz, i never make use of you. NEVER.
Whatever it is Eliz, i still care for you with no hard feelings. I hope you'll continue to seek God. He's your answer. And continue to trust in Him.

I'm really to depress to continue. But Eliz, believe me, I've loved you with all my heart ever since the day i sent you home from Angeline's b'day.
You're right... we're just not for each other....

Whoever is reading this, please don't lecture Eliz. She was doing what she feels is right and i deserve it even though i wish she would stop.