When I Wake

2009-05-07T22:44:00.004+08:00

Didn't had the time... Ok, fuck that.. Was just too lazy to blog.

Had our first test today. Food hygiene. It's just hliarious to see the class in a really 'PANICKING' mood today... At least we had a hot mentor who came to 'invidulate' the test. Lighten our worries, with a smile across our face...

Class is still great. Despite whatever that went on. It's in the 'rebuilding' process now.

And yes, can someone just tell Amanda to shut up in class... Making comments of everything as if she's a know-it-all?

Rini didn't come today... Kinda sad... Promised she would come. Miss you Rini! Your presence plays a major row in making my day good... :)

Come to think of it... I like my laptop WEBCAM... Not really interested in the special effects that it's built in with... I can always rely on Photoshop... Hashim really looked good in this... Lol!

2009-05-01T00:02:00.002+08:00

Just came back from a last minute movie with Jia Hao and Eunice.
Watched Horsemen, and i would say... I like the mystery concept of how they use Revelation 6 of the Bible to form a string of murder cases.
You know, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Well, besides that concept. It talks about how a father was not able to make time for his children... Moral of the story to all parents... "Keep a look out for your children. Cos if you're a detective, you'll be surprised to see that your son/daughter can be part of the crime..."

--------------------------

School's alright... And honestly, I can see that many people are starting to find their OWN cliques. That the bond that we had in the beginning, are slowly beginning to disappear.
Of course we're in school to study, and making friends is 2nd priority to that. But i think, sometimes, it's the fear of being alone that keeps us all on the look out for people who can be our friends.

I hate this classmate, yet, i thought it was dumb for her to kneel before Alica just to apologise. And cunning to tell another classmate that she wouldn't mind if she's being slapped. Definitely, that would get my classmate expelled... Thank God she got brains...
"World War III", I interrupted.

2009-04-27T20:36:00.002+08:00

Birthday is drawing near.

And i believe my plan for celebration at Doomsday will still go on.

Celebration to me is the same a gathering. Not throw parties.

I dunno what my classmates have in mind. Not many knows about it, so i hope they keep it that way.

Presents!

Here's a list of my wishful birthday presents. (Impossible to get)

A band shirt, Thyrfing's album shirt. 'Hels Vita"

Grado SR-60 Headphones! Can be bought at Music By Design at Adelphi

The Perishers - Sway

2009-04-27T00:13:00.001+08:00

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that’s what you’vecome to be
It feels as though we’vemade amends
Like we found a wayeventually
It was you who pickedthe pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued meback together
Returned to me what others stole

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head amongthe clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that’s what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?
You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head amongthe clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?

The Search for the Next Headphones

2009-04-26T17:49:00.003+08:00

Indeed, i seriously need a new pair of headphones !!!!!

GRADO SR60i

HEADPHONES HEADPHONES HEADPHONES HEADPHONES...say no to earphones!

Hint: My birthday is less than a month away.

2009-04-23T00:05:00.002+08:00

My classmates rocks!

Some may have different perspective of it, that could lead one of them, labelling us as "GHOSTS".
The bondage that we have, only bonds our class together. And i will have to admit that i feel for those who are left out. But sometimes, you just need a little initiative to mix with the rest.

We leave our prints on the sand, tracing it together as we embark on a new journey, together.

Of different nationality, and races, who cares eh? Say no to racism!

Count myself lucky this time round... -_-
You ladies be nice to a gentleman like me... :D

2009-04-21T23:05:00.002+08:00

For the first time, i saw that ex bf of Angelina, or bf... I don't know what's thw situation now...
But this guy seriously deserve to be kicked at the balls.
Walk like as if he's some big shot.

If Eliz doesn't know what is control, well, this is control: He logs in to her msn, and pretends to be her. Whoever msges her, especially a guy (for example, me), he will reply.

And next, he calls her "you look like cock" in front of her friends.

Sadly, Angelina wants to patch back with him. Love. What is love? Seriously?

2009-04-20T15:12:00.002+08:00

Sunday:
Went for a class gathering, and it's the usual suspects that would turn up.
And i went out with a stained white shirt that i didn't realise, i went to buy a plain white v neck tee at Giordano. :X

After lingering around Plaza Sing, and The Cathay, we catched a movie, not something i would enjoy actually... 17 Again. *It was a good movie actually... With sound effects from a baby boy in the theatre*
To begin with, i missed the introduction of the movie, hopefully not much because Alica and Felicia would be late, so instead of leaving the ticket at the counter, i waited for them.

We headed to Clarke Quay and Boat Quay after that. Looking for pub or club to drink. But somehow, due to the age limit of some of our friends, it was hard to get into one. Hours of searching, we finally went to Balcony, which was probably one of our initial plans. Terry, aka "The Birthday Boy" gave $10 to each group of 4 to cab down to Balcony.
Even through the journey, the cab driver so friendly.

At Balcony, i understand why they didn't want to go... cos there was nothing much to do except sit and chill and drink.
Our first order was 3 buckets of Heinekens - 5 bottles in each bucket.
Gotta admit, i don't like beer. But go with the flow, and just drink. Go with the flow. :)
Too bored, we played Truth or Dare with Poker Cards. Using the method of Blackjack. Person with the lowest, or passed 21 loses. This time, it was "Couples Edition". The forfeit? Kiss your partner on the cheek. -_- I kena with Angelina. *blush*
Gotta be thankful that it's her and not er... "Oh Gary, you're so good" woman.

We stayed until 4am at Balcony, and then headed to McDonalds for early breakfast. And almost all of us dozed off there...

Took a bus back, and i had to wait 34mins for my first bus. Of course end up sleeping at the bus stop. But still managed to get my first bus.
Then i took a feeder bus home, was intending to make one round, and i ended up back at the bus interchange.

Went home, kinda got a lecture from my dad. But well, trying to see his points in various ways, Nothing much to say.

My Heart Strings Come Undone - Demon Hunter

2009-04-19T15:02:00.002+08:00

It's buried deep with in the past, I hope it doesn't last
It's something I already chase, I already chase
I try to give it all away, but it's never gonna fade
It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face
I know you feel it's all the same, But I promise that'll change
It's something I already chase, I already chase
You know I'm trying to believe that you're never gonna leave
It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face

There's nothing left! The fear is gone!

When my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, I will pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

I know I'm not the perfect one, This pain has just begun
It's something I already chase, I already chase
You bring me to a better path, It's everything I asked
It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face

There's nothing left! The fear is gone!
There's nothing left! The fear is gone!

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, I will pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you
If you fade out without me, you'll know all about me
If you fade out without me, you'll know all...

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, I will pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you
And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, I will pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you

2009-04-19T00:34:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since i last blogged.
Today, there's a need to blog...

School's on saturday's can be really tiring. And what's worse is that I'm quite disappointed that i can't do the carrying of 4 dining plates on one hand. Struggling alot! Learning to set the table was a much easier task. Though there are rooms from improvement.

Ended at around 2pm, an hour later from our timetable timing.
We headed to West Mall... AGAIN, this time, had lunch at KFC. I mixed with the people that i thought i wouldn't be able to get along. And well, i'm glad things look stable now.

I'm a very understanding person. And when i know that someone is going through some problems, i'm willing to drop all misunderstandings and just accept it. ;) That's probably the grace of God. To learn and accept others the way they are.

But sometimes, you get really pissed when a fellow churchmate, and moreover from the same class, do not know how to phrase her words in a proper manner.
Anyone read the news this week? About an 18 year old SHATEC girl who goes by the name of Amanda? Who had sex with Singapore's Edison Chen, GARY NG?
Well, it's quite evident that in one of his sex videos, we could tell that it's the Amanda from my class, and attends church at City Harvest. Yes, City Harvest.

I mean, i will not doubt where she gets the money to splurge on Gucci sunglasses, LV bag... Blea... She sold her body to pay her school fees. It's $5000+, but she told the reporters, $14000.
Oh, and apparently, the only clear evidence is the video which i happened to have found, and could hear her voice, and indeed, it sounds like her.
"Oh, fuck me hard Gary...." , "Oh you're so good!"
Too much to be called a coincidence, eh?

Seriously, if one more time she makes a comment about me, or any of my classmates, like she's the smartest, greatest, It's very likely that her wall posts on facebook will be filled by me, telling the world about her one night stands at various hotels... If she wants to be glamarous, and be a celebrity, someone please tell her to stop making herself look like a fool, a joker and a prostitute.

2009-04-15T22:40:00.002+08:00

Give me a while to revamp this blog.
Been left to rot.

Anyway, school started last monday.
And seriously, there's lots of stuff to learn!

Things are happening around me lately...
Trying to believe that it's planned by God, though it seems like it's in chaos (messy)

As early as 2 weeks, i smell something fishy. And when someone backstabs you, you can easily tell by the looks in his eyes and expression. People are not made to be dumb.

Really tired. No time to change blogskin today... Procrasinate to the other days... Sorry

2009-03-23T10:35:00.002+08:00

I missed out on blogging lots of HIGHLIGHT!

I last blogged on March 15... 3 days later, I ORD from the army... Now i dread reservist...

The next day, i met up with 4 awesome strangers! Prab, Hong Rui, Ling and Xiin Yi. Gathered from Metal Horde. =)
It began with me meeting up Ling and Xin Yi for Detroit Metal City. At first, i was like... what the fuck is this bullshit! At the end of the movie, i couldn't stop laughing at how hilarious (as in seriously) the movie was. A great movie, nonetheless..

Looking forward to meeting them again at Baybeats Audition, Esplanade. Meza Virs is gonna play 30 mins! Amazing shit!
And Cynthia's coming! Good... we're gonna have a blast!
That Farhan also going... to rape all the pretty girls there...

2009-03-15T20:50:00.002+08:00

It's day 2 of using my new laptop.
Got Football Manager 2009, the only game that i will play and be hooked to...

Anyway, i hope Rach is doing alright in Australia. She's not able to feel comfortable with her housemates... Wish i could be there for her, seriously.... She's a great friend, truly a great friend.
:(

2009-03-15T01:25:00.001+08:00

What a day it has been!
Finally got hold of my very first laptop at the jam pack IT Show.
Laptop cost $999 and it came with many freebies... Great deal i must say.

Too excited to blog.

:(

2009-03-13T00:52:00.002+08:00

Tiring day in camp... Whether was really scorching... It felt like i was sun-tanning with my uniform on.

Anyway, Dad tld me he will sponsor a budget of $800 to get a netbook/laptop.
Well, it was a difficult choice, spending hours trying to look for one through the net... And decide to choose MSI Wind U100.

Read the reviews about how it's probably the best Netbook around, thanks to it being inexpensive and also, the specs of the netbook is somewhat superior than many others.

Now, i'm planning my schedule to make time to drop by at the IT Show...

2009-03-11T02:04:00.009+08:00

DORIS from CHTHONIC

\m/

2009-03-08T12:57:00.004+08:00

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/devils_music_no_effect.htm

Funniest site i've seen.
Not to condemn the religion, but i think this is absurd...hilarious at the same time.

This site covers everything that is somewhat righteous, but also points out the minor things as the work of the Devil.
Here's some headline:

Beyonce Blasphemes God

Does God approve of sexy clothing and female stripping? Apparently so - but according to singer Beyonce Knowles, that's about as far as Divine Approval goes. Anything more done for the sake of attracting popular and media attention, like kissing another women, is definitely Not Allowed.

Sky News reports:

The devout Christian says she has permission from God to wear sexy clothes and strip on stage but not to have a girl-on-girl snog. ... She says: "I always carry myself like a lady. I don't feel like I ever do anything raunchy." And she adds: "It's entertainment and I believe God is OK with that."

So, does this mean that God likes Knowles' sexy concerts, but had to turn off the MTV Awards show when Madonna and Britney Spears smooched? And just how much stripping does God approve of - I mean, does He secretly take nights off to visit exotic dance clubs, or what? And what would He use for tips?

END

______________________________

The Tragic Life of Freddie Mercury

(Read the sad testimony about Freddie's reckless life of sodomy, fornication, illegal drugs and materialism. He died in London in his $4,000,000 home in 1991. He carried none of his wealth beyond the grave. He had such a beautiful voice, but used his talents for the devil. How sad! How tragic! Where is Freddie Mercury now? Hell!)

______________________________

The BEATLES Are Of The Devil
The Beatles are straight from Hell, which is where John Lennon and George Harrison are suffering in tormentuous flames this moment. Don't believe it? Then you don't believe the Bible... "In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power" (2nd Thessalonians 1:8,9). John Lennon publicly denounced Jesus Christ, as did George Harrison. Harrison was deeply devoted to eastern mysticism (false religion), and rejected Jesus Christ as his Savior.

Ringo Star and Paul McCartney will soon follow behind into Hellfire. I say this with great sadness, for God is not willing for any to perish (2nd Peter 3:9). Life is very short, and Proverb 27:1 states... "Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth." What does it profit a man if he gains the entire world; but loses his own soul in Hell. Oh that men would seek the Lord. I did not write this article to be unkind, but to expose the evil works of The Beatles, and ALL Rock 'N' Roll music. All Rock 'N' Roll is of the Devil, including so-called "Christian Rock" (which is not Christian at all).

The Beatles are no friends to America. Behind the music lurks the heathen lyrics of Communists, sexual degenerates, God-haters, druggies, and New Age mentality. The Word of God is diametrically opposed to Rock 'N' Roll.

__________________________________________

This is like an insult for Christianity... Discriminating music... it makes me think what kinda music do they expect Christians to listen? Hymns?

Even they called CCM (Contemporary Christian Music), Carnal "Christian" Music

2009-03-08T00:13:00.002+08:00

I got myself to create yet another group on Facebook, after the success of Global Melodic Death Metal.

The new facebook group is dedicated to the casual to extreme listeners of metal in Singapore only. I believe it's the first of it's kind.
Thanks to Hong Rui, i have a partner in this. *good job buddy*

And so, another journey on Facebook (damn, it's addictive). Sending out invitations to randoms on Facebook, forums... Tiring job. My eyes were glued to the screen all day long.

I wish people would pay me money for recommending bands of their choice. With a slogan, like this:
Tell me what you are looking for, and we'll give you that. No refund.

2009-03-05T22:26:00.002+08:00

As i slowly count down to the number of days left, serving NS, i'm in doubt about what to do between my ORD date and when school starts.
I can't imagine living at home all day!
Oh! I hope i'll get a laptop next week.. it's the IT Show! And i told my dad about it! Glad that he responded well to it... :)
A laptop will help me seriously save money!

It's been quite awhile since i had a long conversation with her, and surely it did brought back some feelings... Now, i think i'm in deep shit... :/

2009-03-04T22:59:00.004+08:00

I can't stand people who are just downright stubborn. Stubborn to even admit they are wrong and just wouldn't apologise. I hate people who pang seh others, and pretend as if nothing happened.
And moreover, use sarcasm as a form of defence and think he's just wise.

Bloody fucker, get your facts right. Don't spread stuff that you don't even know about to begin with. Yes, i left church. And one of the reasons is you... Didn't you know that?
1. You ps me and still try to think you're not in the wrong, citing that you did the right thing.
2. When members book seats, you become so picky and start whining that it's not a good seat. Bad view...
3. Because of that, you are a very unappreciative.
4. Jingxian chooses who she talks to and befriends, but it's ok, i told her to listen to you. How is she involved in this? Don't drag another person into it.

I'm just curious why members like to rush for seats. And book an entire row for the cell-group, much for the inconvenience of the cg. I don't like to hold seats, and getting me to book seats for the cg, depends on how they co-operate. If they ask me to book seats, and come at the spot, it'sbest to give it up to someone who deserves it more, because they're eager to and excited to worship God. But if your attitude towards booking seats is like wanting the best out of it, yet you choose to come at a timing of your choice, then fuck off.

Show some appreciation to those who come early just to book seats, nvm if the view is not good. The church layout is like that, and there's nothing you can do. Appreciate with what you have and don't demand for more, cos you'll never get it. Don't even be pretentious by be thankful for the seats, cos you don't seem to be, so take back your 'thank yous' and shuff it down your sorry ass...

Some people don't even have seats in church! Yet you want the best seats... Don't be ridiculous. Be glad that you have a place to worship God in.

Your attitude towards the latest fashion trends just amuses me. You're seriously a poseur in it, and trying to show off to the cg that you are a fashion icon with your stupid bling blings... Get a life. It's not about being all so trendy, that you want your apparels to stand out before God, rather than your heart. Pastor expect you guys to reach out to the marketplace, but many got the misconception of it by using FASHION as a way to evangelise.

I felt so ashamed to be in the same cg as you. I'm leaving early for i fear that watching you become a cgl would make me think that the world is blind already. Two-faced people don't survive long.

It's you, Oon Wei Pin that I'm mentioning about. Stop being a 'nice guy' and quit flirting with girls...

2009-03-01T02:16:00.003+08:00

This made my day...
Thanks Chloe.

In this conversation, it's an introduction between Farhan and Chloe.
Chloe = HEY CHLOE !
Farhan = LuCiFeR ILLuMiN

HEY CHLOE ! says:
2:08 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: Hey
(2:09 PM) CChloe.: yea?
(2:13 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: im in your facebook.
(2:14 PM) CChloe.: oh. cool.
(2:17 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: im kianyong's friend
(2:17 PM) CChloe.: oh. hi
(2:17 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: ya
hi
(2:18 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: so what are u currently doing?
(2:18 PM) CChloe.: nothing? working. lol.
(2:18 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: oh where are u working at?
(2:18 PM) CChloe.: __________
(2:18 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: oh
At?
(2:19 PM) CChloe.: _______ , you?
(2:19 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: oh ic
im working at sengkang
serving my ns
(2:19 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: going to ord soon
(2:20 PM) CChloe.: alright.
(2:20 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: yup
u not working today?
(2:21 PM) CChloe.: nope.
(2:23 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: not going out?
(2:23 PM) CChloe.: soon. eating now.
HEY CHLOE ! says:
2:25 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: hey i wanna ask how old are u?
(2:25 PM) CChloe.: 18, 19 this yr.
(2:26 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: oh ok what
haha
(2:26 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: so where are u going later?
(2:28 PM) CChloe.: whats ur facebook name?
lol.
(2:28 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: just type farhan
im half chinese half malay actually
(2:29 PM) CChloe.: haha. i see
(2:29 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: ya
(2:29 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: u viewing facebook now?
(2:30 PM) CChloe.: yea. like just?
(2:30 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: oh ok
haha
(2:31 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: where are u staying?
(2:32 PM) CChloe.: ____________.
hey. gtg, talk to you another day.
(: seeu .
(2:32 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: ok see u
bye
(2:34 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: hey mind if we exchange contacts?
(2:41 PM) LuCiFeR ILLuMiN: hey are u there?

FAILURE!

Couple that with this video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGY7DSG-9OU

LOL!

2009-02-28T08:03:00.002+08:00

Finally reason out with my officer whom me and my fellow camp mates have been suffering under his supervision.
Left him dumbstruck, leading to another topic, trying to find faults with me. I was really disappointed that he vented his bloody anger at me when he couldn't organise a last minute meeting, and expects every officer involved to be attending.

I don't like the idea that for once, an officer can't just say he's wrong, let alone apologise. Pride huh?

Stayed back in camp to help out till 11:30pm, though i'm in an ORD mood already... =)
Felt like i'm doing work efficiently... Quite rare actually... And depends on who. If it's a bunch of retarded officers who can't even do basic formatting, and throw their chunk of bullshit in my face, then hell, i'm not gonna do it for them.

----------------------------------------------

I get messages on facebook, sms, msn conversations, questioning about my decision to leave CHC.
First, to answer all your doubts, the answer is NO. IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ELIZ. So don't make assumptions. The reason for leaving is probably how others felt as well. The church is becoming like a trend. And this, i felt kinda ashamed to be part of it. Full of biased people. Support Sun Ho just because she's Pastor's wife? Admit it, her songs like Chinawine is such a horrible song.
Not only that, everything that Pastor does, a flock of 'nice, sweet, but totally biased' comments will be posted to him via Facebook. Like i said, stalking Pastor is the latest trend.

So how does this affect me? I feel a rush of embarrassment the just went through my veins and affect the way i feel about what CHC have already become. Of course, not every member is like that, but knowing that there's a majority of like 80% who are completely unaware that they're just giving the church a bad name. Pastor Kong did well to build a church, and grew it. But because this mindset is placed in the minds of the members, it doesn't look like a great church to me of good influence.

Does that answer your questions? Now, don't waste your time inviting me back to CHC. Don't even leave messages like, "You're always welcome to join us again" - cos you're all so hyped up about the growing numbers...

2009-02-26T19:41:00.004+08:00

And so, my mind is set.
I can't go back on my word... If i leave, i will leave and mean what i said.

After 7 years in CHC, I am wondering, is it just an excuse people would say that i stayed to long and have yet to become spiritual? I've seen many rise up to become a cgl, only when they were in church for 3-4 years. It's like becoming a trend!

It makes me wonder, if CHC is a trend of trends. The members are now even STALKING Pst Kong's every move, thanks to Twitter and Facebook... And reading all the comments posted, it makes me sick. Biased. Really biased. He's a great pastor no doubt, but i think this is really giving him a bad name. Totally ridiculous.

Like what Kian Yong told me, i could agree on his few pointers. The church is demanding, or rather, the members. It grabs you to a point that you feel that you lost your freedom. You need to be accountable to the every single move you make. Your weekends are burnt, and if you don't attend church or svc, the first question would be, "Why?"

Seriously, is there a lack of respect for one's privacy? They are great friends, nice people. But when they become "serious" for God, they show who's the boss, nothing like a friend, ey.. From a church that i spent my entire teenage life, i now feel that i have enough of it. It's time to get out. I want to see what a true friend is. A best friend may come from CHC, but he's only a friend if he respects my decisions. I don't care if he's from CHC. So long as he doesn't bring his preaching into the friendship and start praising CHC like it's the most perfect church around.

Members really tend to think that CHC is the right church. The best church around in Singapore, and even condemning other churches for preaching the wrong gospel... -_-"

I'm expecting that now i'm gone, none of them are gonna even gonna call for meet ups. This is the kind of impression left on me, and many others as well... Even if it's a meet up, it's probably with intentions. Trying to win you back to church. So that they can play the number game. "We hope to reach to a total attendance of 30,000 people!" - the whole congregation cheer, whistles...
Get a life.

2009-02-22T17:47:00.002+08:00

Haven't been blogging.. clueless to why i didn't want to.

But just wanted to post this lyrics from Hammerfall, a power metal band from Sweden.
It's such a sad song that just reminds me of her, somehow...

ALWAYS WILL BE - HAMMERFALL

Our sun is set, our day is done, I'm left here wondering
Is this the end, my final words to you
Day turned to night and now you're gone, I'm left here pondering
Can this be true, are we really through

You were the wind beneath my wings, taught me how to fly
With you I lived among the kings, how could this ever die

So I say farewell, I'm yours forever,
and I Always Will Be

We were one, we were all, we were the only
Future full of hope, nothing could stand in our way
But dreams can change, visions fall, I feel so lonely
I would walk through fire for just one more day

You were the angel of my life, taught me to be free
Now I'm a stranger in your eyes, walls are closing in on me

So I say farewell, I'm yours forever
And I Always Will Be
Missing you, in my heart you are The One
And you Always Will Be

When I turn to the east, I see no dawn,
but after darkness comes the light
And when I turn to the west, the silent night hides all
Where is the light that shines so bright

So I say farewell, I'm yours forever
And I Always Will Be
Missing you, in my heart you are The One
And you Always Will Be

Nah-nah-na ... and you Always Will Be
Nah-nah-na ... and you Always Will Be
And you Always Will Be
my Little One you are
And you Always Will Be

2009-02-17T22:50:00.002+08:00

I feel troubled yet again. As i watch my stupidity catch up with me once again.
Wondering why i still get heavily affected by Eliz, as much as I've tried to move on, or away from it. The past probably caught up with me, to a point that i screwed things up again.

Seriously, who can i blame? No one. I kinda feel lifeless now... Just days ago, I thought the spell of this depressing mood clouding above me have gone... It seems that I've brought it back, and if things doesn't start going right, it's gonna stay for good.

Right now, i just hope to hear from Rhian. I don't want to get misunderstood again, yes, AGAIN.

2009-02-16T20:56:00.003+08:00

Instead of getting out of dilemma, i got myself further into it...
Now, i just don't know what to do as i feel as useless as before...

2009-02-15T15:22:00.003+08:00

It's been 2 weeks since i last felt a pinch of heartache.
And i told myself, i'm never gonna get myself into a relationship soon.

I never knew that relationship break ended quite fast... Soon i found myself falling for someone whom I've never met before only through conversations on msn and sms, 3 days ago... And on the 2nd day, i asked her out for Valentines.

Indeed, we met, only at 10pm after we had our stuff to do. It didn't turn out nervous as i thought it would be, she was really someone that i feel i can get comfortable with. I know for sure, im not running away from my own feelings that i'm making her just a replacement for Eliz. I realised that I actually developed some feelings for her even when we were just smsing constantly... In one day, close to 200+, which she didn't realise.

I couldn't find any flowers to get for her... the common sight of bouquets made me feel bad... So, i got her dark chocolates from Godiva, which i hope she will like it. I did hesitate for a moment at the shop, even asking the guy tending there, what time they close... "Now..." -_-
I didn't want to think i bought it out of impulse, but maybe i did. I just don't wanna meet her empty handed. We sat down at many places, got chased by an uncle who wanted to clean the seats as it's already 12am... Had my dinner at Subway... And i got to know about her family background abit and how she was like during her JC and sec school days...

Everything really went smoothly, the more i spent with her, the more i enjoy being with her. We cab home, only to realise, she stay quite near from where i stay (a place I can hardly call home these days...)

I couldn't sleep last night as i just kinda recalled the time i spent with her. 3 days, that's really fast... I believe this needs to be put to a halt. But if food is so delicious, you wouldn't wanna stop eating right? Same feeling. When this feeling kept blossoming, i don't ever want it to stop... Ami just afraid of this opportunity being taken away? I don't know...

But i know clearly, I've gotten over Eliz. At least, 90%. (yes, there's a percentage...)

=(

2009-02-12T21:21:00.002+08:00

It's a great feeling to bless someone. I had that feeling yesterday...

I got to know Rachel from friendster 3 years ago... Random add that didn't turn out bad. :)
She came back to singapore for holidays, as she's studying in Australia...
I would consider her as a close friend anytime, due to the amount of time spent on msn chatting with her about our similarities in music... And it crossed my mind that she wanted a DVD, at first Ensiferum, but there wasn't any stock at Inokii... My number one choice for metal imports. Instead, I got her a Turisas DVD. I was heading to Far East, and as i was on my way, she told me she's on her way too.. I didn't want to bump to her, as i've wanted to give her a surprise. :)
Thankfully, i managed to make it to Inokii and told the guy my plans... Yeah, the one who was kind enough to order an Amon Amarth tee...

I paid for it, gave him a description about Rachel, and promised me he'll pass it to her... Well, he did.
I could tell how much she was so taken aback by it. It was the kind of surprised that she never expected it... Mission accomplished for me.

It was a way of saying thank you for accompanying me in my life through the net. Who knows, this person could be a guy, but my instincts was right. Since the Inokii guy gave to a girl according to what he told me... She's going back to Australia soon, and i hope this gift as a blessing for her, will remind her of me. :)

Enjoy the DVD, and happy Valentines, Rach!

2009-02-11T12:26:00.003+08:00

This afternoon, i called Dad to check if there's any letters for me. Hoping that I'll get a reply from Shatec and also the GST Package (that money will help me get a netbook....)

Dad told me there's a letter from Shatec... Told him to open, after a long pause, he read the headline... "Congratulation!"
I never felt so happy for a very long time... I wish i could share it with her... But i guess, i have to make do with it alone... I smsed my cgl, Nicole telling her about it...

Looks like my plans are going smoothly...

18th March - ORD!
19th March - Gonna get a mohawk for sure... Can't think of what colour to dye it with...
05 April - No more mohawk... =(
06 April - My journey at Shatec begins!

Now, as i mentioned that the GST Offset Package could just help me get a netbook which cost around $700, it would be the most ideal start for a brand new chapter in life. I can survive with a Netbook. It reduces the amount of time i spent wandering around aimlessly, in which i always do, wasting and burning away money when it's hard to come by these days.

I seriously need a tech-saavy friend to recommend me a suitable Netbook for me.
How am i going to use it? Well, for internet, listening to tons of music, and play Football Manager (it's probably the only game that i enjoy...)

Cnet Asia on Netbooks

By the way, must really thank that Interviewer who listens to heavy metal... :D

2009-02-09T21:06:00.002+08:00

Out of camp privelage revoke... what's the difference from CONFINEMENT? Just that it sounds less harsh... But i have every reason to be thankful for this though... Problems at home, not that i am run away, but put yourself in my shoes when all you get when you go home is nothing but vulgarities hurled you for so no specific reason... And what's worse, she calling my mother names... Haiz... I have a very messy family tree... Thank God i'm still alive.

It's something Ryan told me he admired me for. That i'm still alright despite the problems at home. Which i try not to bring to my camp and affect the people around me... He can't imagine life without a home and having to sleep on the streets in the blistering cold at night...

"Sometimes, when you mood is low, i see you like that, i get worried, couldn't concentrate on my work. Because when you're jovial and really happy, you bring smiles across the office, and enlighten everyone..."
Ryan said this to me... Somewhere along that line. And i start asking myself... What happened to me? Once the Robin that everyone knew and loved being around with. It always led me to think about the times when I was with her.

:( Now, it's just a broken friendship. I admit it for my selfishness, and how i was really nasty... It was probably greed that led me to this.
Today, i can honestly say, I miss her around me. Her voice, her love for me... Someone whom i will remember as the near perfect one. 99% perfect, 1 % flaws that I always look away from.

There's just one reason why i love her so much till today. But i don't think she knows why... :(

2009-02-07T23:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when things can't be fixed, don't mend it.
That's how i'm feeling now. As far as I'm concern, Eliz is too much... And if i can't do anything about it, I leave it to the care of her cgl and God.

I thought things were resolved. Everything's cool... Not until she just block me on msn. for some reason which she could just tell me that she's busy. Cos i would go. And well, if she wants to throw away the stuff i gave her, then someone must make her understand why gifts are given, and how it's meant to be treasured.
And someone just needs to teach her to stop rebutting as if she's right all the time.
Despicable? That's what she called me when i have already tried my best to put things behind, to a stand still...

I won't post the msn conversation we had.

2009-02-05T23:22:00.002+08:00

I hope everything will get better in the weeks to come.
Must think positive... I can't let negativity take the whole of me and drain me further... :(

Anyway, just read your blog... :) Nice hair. Short and sweet.. Still, you look as adorable as ever... Pardon me for my straightforwardness...

2009-02-05T05:08:00.004+08:00

Is there even a possibility of getting this resolved? I tried what i could, controlling my emotions. I know by arguing is pointless... I just wanted her to understand and at least give me a break from all her sarcasms... It doesn't seem it's gonna stop.
With an msn conversation like this:

小珊*eLiZ ~~~我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
uh...
小珊*eLiZ ~~~我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
ya
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
hey
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
yea
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
how come you called me?
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
cus i wanted 2 ask u
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
whud ure mutual understanding wass
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
ph.
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
oh
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
i dunno if you're ready or prepared to talk to me in a calm way
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
uh
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
lol\
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
will
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
u just tellme
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
or else
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
i realli will just go on blocking u
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
OH
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
*oh.....;...
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
Eliz, if you still insist of blocking me, then i don't even think you're prepared to talk to me
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
Cos you're still holding something like a grudge on me... I wish you would let go of this grudge and stop thinking of me negatively
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
ok..
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
den suan ler
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
come on eliz... why is your mindset still so stubborn
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
haiz... nvm....
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
cus..
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
i dont like u
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
=)
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
do you really think i will want to hurt you like that?
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
uh
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
hw would i noe=)
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
if u can do it
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
u can do it agn
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
so.
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
i still wont like u
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
for one thing i know, all this while, you've misunderstood my intentions
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
That's why i wanted you to come with me on saturday to talk to pastor
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
I'm already trying to be calm, controlling my emotions.... but look at how you reply me...
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
uh
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
u tink i care if u blow up?
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
uhm
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
dont expect me to
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
see
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
realli treat u as a kid
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
and ans u like so whud sia
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
do you know by the way you are replying just shows how immature you are?
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
You're doing it intentionally to hurt me yet again
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
uh no
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
yes
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
i nt so wuliao
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
to gu yi hurt u
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
its u like
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
it's not about being wuliao
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
expect me to be like wao so kind 2 u 1 meh
小珊*eLiZ 我是无辜的变态~*{{tRaUmAtiZEd*}} says:
plz
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
can you pls stop looking down on me
It doesn't matter who understands, as long as you don't... then no one does says:
haiz, if you want to go on being like that and expect things to come to a halt, it wouldn't. The reply you're giving isn't giving any chance to make that happen, but adding more salt to the wound....

People will ask me.. What's the point of going so far for someone like her.... "She's mean, she's worthless", "There are other people out there.." All those are opinions of others that never crossed my mind. One thing i know is that how is she worthless when there's a place in my heart that I'm reminded that she's one of those rare person who actually cares for her friend. I will always remember the times she was there for me. Despite all these and the responses i get from her, I'm not going to deny that. Cos that's the real Eliz that i know and probably everyone do know as well.

I know alot of chances i screwed it up. I know each time i'm given the chance, i'm repentful about it. Mistakes do occur cos things doesn't change overnight. Not the right excuse, i know, but everyone knows that. I hope she does.
I really hope she stops looking down on me for who i was, cos it's not somebody that she thinks. I have to be positive about myself and confident that I can change for the better.
But i really pray that Eliz would give herself a break and stop attacking me with sarcasms. Cos it's not needed at all...

2009-02-04T19:14:00.005+08:00

It makes me wonder... Which part of my mind is unwilling to resolve this issue?
Unwilling? For the reasons that caused me many sleepless nights, and a broken heart, a broken friendship with a broken trust that was once there... How am i not willing to work things out?

2009-02-04T07:08:00.003+08:00

I couldn't sleep well last night, as much as i wanted to.

I've been in such a depressed mood that i don't think i can be happy like I was before. The feeling still hurts, when she threw away something that meant alot, not just because it takes up her space.

I never knew of her being this way. I wish the old Eliz would come back, for once... Cos she used to be understanding, never fails to be there as a friend.. There was so much love in those eyes when i look at them... And the sweet voice that makes me wanna talk to her everyday. Now, everything's changed.

Everyday, I'll be waiting. For her to unblock me, so that we could settle it with a mutual understanding. But will that ever happen? Will she re-open her heart where she have already completely shut me out for her own reasons?

I have a character. That when I'm wrong, or hurt the other party, i try to make amends for it. No matter how difficult it is, I still have to go through hell... It's not the nicest feeling, to turned away and be rejected. For this case, I need her to understand.

Eliz, look at it this way that you and I, we don't deserve all these that we're doing to each other. Will i ever get my chance to hear from you, Eliz? I want you to know that i never meant to hurt you any way, neither do i want to believe you're trying to hurt me deliberately. I don't think God wants to see us like that. It's takes alot to forgive, it's takes forever to forget. But at the end of the day, it's the grudges that you and I hold that put all stops to any progression of reconciling. What does it take for that to happen?
To lay down one's pride. Pride against pride will never get anywhere. It doesn't make anyone of us a winner... For this, I'm willing to lay down my pride. Cos this friendship means alot to me. To be more precise, you mean alot to me.

I'm sorry for all this that happened...

2009-02-02T03:31:00.008+08:00

Life hasn't been great.
So what if i have a chance and opportunity at Shatec...

I'm on a 3-weeks 'not-speaking-to-Eliz' term... It sucks even further more to realise that she threw away the stuff i gave her.
It's not the greatest feeling at all... It hurts like shit... And it hurts more when you realise that she did that to hurt me deliberately.

"Eliz, maybe we can just forget about the 3 weeks thingy... Cos in less than 24 hours, you've done something to simply hurt me... Tell me is that fair? Just because life isn't unfair, you don't go around making other people life miserable."

As much as she denies, she doesn't realise that whatever she is doing, selfishly, it's hurting me. There's a reason why i gave her those things. And i know, when i gave them, it was right from the bottom of my heart. Yet, she doesn't sees it.

I'm troubled and i don't think she knows what's like at home now for me. As long as she gets what she wants, she's happy.
As long as she succeeded in gaining sympathy, she's happy.
me out.
That's life huh? How unfair.

Whatever me and her did, it was over. Yes i was wrong, I admit it. But i wonder if she told Pastor that at times, she initiated the move which somehow, you know, i get tempted. It's not avoidable. I know at times, i tried not to let temptation get in my way... But it seems that Eliz can be really initiative... (don't deny Eliz)
This was probably what people do not know.
Is she sorry for all that have happened as well? I don't think so.

Why does it always has to be this way? That when i'm set and all ready to give myself a chance, i get screwed up. Is it too much of a coincidence? I don't think so.. It's not that my thinking is that she's out there to hurt me... But doesn't it seem so? If she's not, she would have at least spare a thought for me. FOR ONCE. And not everything that goes by her way and her decisions.

----------------------

Now, i'm living on the streets. Home isn't always the best place, or one to call, 'a home'. It's like a warzone where you get stabbed in the back and it leaves you a broken heart.
And yet, i have this other problem that's too much of a burden for me.

Yes, i feel like giving up still... And despite the many concerns, i don't think it matters cos the one person refuses to understand my situation, but chose to think by self-centered mindset of hers. She explains things with no mercy on me... Yeah, she's 16... Everyone would believe a 16 year old like her...

--------------------------

After typing all these... I'm tired of living...
Yes eliz, I'm still going....

2009-01-30T19:57:00.002+08:00

Woke up early to go for an interview at Shatec. Told myself, i must go. No procrasinating.

Guess what! I left my IC at the Lan shop last night. So i have to come in the morning to collect it... And go to Shatec after that... Troublesome.

The interview was really good... And the interviewer, he's a metalhead. He listens to bands like Stratovarius, Iron Maiden and old Metallica... Haha! So aside from asking about my plans for the future, we had more of a conversation.
I appreciate his advice though he told me that Events Management won't get me far. True. Tiresome, one-man show all the time and low pay. How far can you get huh?
I wasn't optimistic about my future, and the plans i have ahead.
:(
I'm looking for a fresh start. We go to a school to learn something that we may know nuts about.
He told me about the dress code... Sad... I can't have a mohawk... :(
Well, between 19th March to 07 April, i'll have a mohawk... :D

Met up with Jasmine and Felicia... Primary schoolmates that i've not seen for close to 8-9 years...
Caught a movie. Changelin. It's a great movie. Could move you to tears if you watch it. Cos I almost did. Go watch it!

Lastly, I miss her.

The End.

2009-01-29T01:20:00.003+08:00

I will look back if i could
And tell myself that i should love you the way one should.
Cos you mean alot to me
Ever since i first fell for you.

We were young and so innocent, like little doves.
But I failed to express the meaning of love
My heart turned black, like the wings of a raven
Greed took over me, like a scavenger

As my self-esteem just grow stronger...
My heart grew colder.
Invading you, I couldn't let you go
Crap, I was such an asshole.

Till today, i can never forgive myself
For making your life a living hell.

All i want to say is that I love you
And I'm sorry for what I've put you through
Deep down inside, i feel your pain
Now, all i can do is pray.

------------------------------------------

You have been a part of my life
And will always be till the day i die
There's something about your smile
That made every moment spent with you worthwhile

To be there for you always
Is where i wanna be
Like you were there for me
I'll guide you when you're lost

But if ever I should die
And leave before you do
I just want you to know
My love for you is true

__________________________________

It's 2:30am, hours before you wake up. And i spent hours trying to fix this poem. Pardon me if it's funny, or not written well... It's my first try, but something i tried with all i could and my true feelings.

Once again, Eliz, I'm sorry.

<3
Robin

2009-01-27T17:35:00.004+08:00

This is definitely the last post of this stupid blog.

Death comes early, I sense it, and i feel it.
She wants me dead. She doesn't care if i go. Well, wait, she doesn't believe i would.
So would I? I would.
I would do it, since she doesn't believe that i would...

For once, i'm convinced that this is how it will end. I hate myself for treating her that way, and because she can't give me that one chance i've been looking for for so long, i can't give myself anymore chance to live on. This is life for me.

Alot of misunderstandings left in the cold for me to live with it...

I've been misunderstood, and nobody tries to understand or even hear me out...

From the first time i knew her till today, i never expected things would turn out this way. I will bring along those memories i had with her, cos it was the best days of my life. The times when i actually made her happy... :)
Gone are the days... Still, i love her so much... I failed to show what love is.

2009-01-27T16:13:00.003+08:00

I don't know when it will end.
But i know it will... The secret's out. I can't blame her for that, since it was something i have been so cunningly used against her. Blackmailing... How the fuck can i be such a fucker. For months i've been doing that to her... Where is the love and care?

I've been really broken, unable to pick myself up again once she told me that she told the 'secret' out. It's not just a secret, but something that would determine where i'll be in the future. I regretted my actions. I regretted everything i did to ruin that so-called love i had for Eliz.

The signs are clear that i'm living life as if it's the last day for me. As the day looms near, i believe no one will ever see me again. Yes, i'm talking about suicide. How many times? I know, this time, it's going to happen.
Who needs me anyway? I mean nothing to her, can't blame her. I'm so useless. I tried to make amends but made things even worse.
My life is completely destroyed. Close to 90%. Vincent told me not to be so hard up on myself. How not to? I'm disappointed with myself for nothing i do ever comes out right...

I love Eliz. And I know, i still do. No matter what peole say about me for the actions i made, i know i'm wrong. I know i shouldn't have done those things to hurt her. I cared for as if she was the only person alive. But my care soon turned into control. All these things, it's pointless to say to her.
To tell her that I'm sorry from the very bottom of my heart. Cos nothing i say will ever change anything. My apologies are nothing to her no matter how much i meant it

I'm just a useless fucker... I don't deserve to live. I know, i don't.
Whoever read this, take good care of Eliz...

And with this, i close this blog.

2009-01-27T03:30:00.002+08:00

I still am remorseful... Regretful.
What's the point of saying huh?

I lost the will to do anything, everything.
I can't go on being that happy person. Yeah, maybe you did see me happy once in a while... It's just a mask behind a broken hearted person.

Maybe I'll leave church for good. I don't seem wanted around. Everyone is against me. Everyone thinks i have bad intentions even before i could give myself a chance to explain...

I admit, i was vulgar lately. I lost control of my own tongue and start raging with words that are not just harsh but hurtful on her. I began hating her so much, never did i thought it would ever happened.

I don't know what to do now... She walked out of my life just like that... Just like that... I hate this, and i hate life even more now.

2009-01-22T23:12:00.002+08:00

This distance between us is going further and further. It may be for the better, but it just shows how our closed relationship that we forged seems to be turning into dust.

Was it meant to be that way? I don't know... You know who you are if you're reading this. This loneliness that I'm feeling, it's probably something that I'm not used to. I miss you...

2009-01-20T19:48:00.002+08:00

Damn! Bloody shit...
Why do i have get yet another confinement??? Is it necessary? That because of one email i overlooked and didn't forward to him regarding a postponed meeting?
And because of that, he said my performance is poor again!

Just because of that! I'm going to ORD in March and this happened.
Moreover, it's "CONFINEMENT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE..."
Even a stupid jail term have a sentence and date of release... What should i do? Call SAF hotline? Nah, don't bother... It's gonna take more time and even eat up my ORD date... I really want to believe that God that is able to see that I've been wrongfully judged.

Argh! Save me!

2009-01-15T19:22:00.004+08:00

Can you believe it? I'm on medication and probably killing myself by still eating McDonalds for 3 freaking days consecutively! Argh! The curly fries is superb, i tell you!

I slept almost throughout camp hours... Sleep sleep sleep.. Was really tired or could be that my medicine made me drowsy...

But anyway, i'm eating curly fries now while blogging at the same time... I need a cure for this 'curly fries' addiction. The last time it tasted so good was when A&W was still around in Singapore... Sadly, they chose to focus on selling Nasi Lemak and Mee Goreng instead. An American Fast-Food restaurant selling Nasi Lemak... Wonderful...
-------------------------------
Come to think of it... my ORD date seems to be getting closer and closer... Sure, I'm excited about it, but at the same time, I'll miss those close friends in camp who will still be serving. Truly, it was a time where you meet new people in your life and how much they've impacted you. God placed Ryan in the same branch as me was really a blessing. He's a great man of God and I see his concerns for me as a friend and a fellow brother-in- Christ. I'm really thankful for such a great blessing.
------------------------------

What makes a good vampire flick? Underworld.

Underworld 3 : Rise of the Lycans - Standard Def trailer

2009-01-15T00:48:00.003+08:00

I don't hate you.
I wasn't born to hate you.
Why should i hate you after all you've been through with me... do you think you deserve the hate?

Woke up late for camp this morning, so i decided to consult a doctor at the most convenient time. Still suffering from bad ulcers (4!) and down with a flu last night... It was probably the shortest visit to the polyclinic.
I rejected the opportunity to take MC cos i know i have some work due tomorrow... And so, i just told the doctor to give me a time sheet of the time i visited and left the polyclinic. Coming back to camp and rejecting mc makes me feel like i'm a very very hardworking person... Haha!

And so, i went back to camp and what a waste! I couldn't do my work cos of some delay! And all my key officers whom I happen to work closely isn't around as they went for a meeting at another camp the whole day... Darn! Should have taken MC and get right into my beauty sleep which i so needed it... Just look at my eyebags now... :(

Hmm... "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace can be a life-saving song for those who wants to end their life... :) Good stuff... I'm currently trying to delete as many songs as i can to give some space for the newer ones...
I just have the habit of downloading a whole album and probably my favourite bands entire discography which takes alot of space...
Now, i seriously think that 8GB is not enough.... :( :( :(

2009-01-12T03:30:00.002+08:00

God save me from these horrible ulcers! I can't even enjoy a bar of Mocha appetizer!

Oh well... I got myself a new mp3... It's a Sony one, not an ipod... Haiz... just the thought of that ipod nano which i had for 2 months before it got stolen on Christmas day irks me to the point when i get angry with myself...
$229 for an 8GB mp3, with much more functions, seems like a good deal to me... Instead of the syncing that irritates me when i use ipod, it's the drag-&-drop type which i feel is more user friendly.

Anyway... ULCER ULCER, shoo shoo!

2009-01-08T19:38:00.002+08:00

Pretty much, nothing exciting happened except that there was a 'surprise' spotcheck by the Military Police who came to check on our camp personnels for contraband items forbidded in camp.

Thanks God my branch's safe.
I got to see how they instruct the police dogs to smell a particular area. It's such a beautiful sight...

Anyway, i'm trying to memorise stuff...

2009-01-06T00:06:00.002+08:00

Baptism... baptism... baptism... I really can't wait for that day!
To have my head dunk in the water with the anointing of God... I guess I'm prepared. Nono... Erase that 'guess'. I know, i am definitely prepared!

I was looking for a baptism name that i can pick... but like pastor said, don't pick because you can have an english name or another name... And with that, i wanted a name that will remind me of God. In times of trouble, stress, and even in joy, I'm reminded of God for EVERYTHING! So a Biblical name with a twist. A Finnish version of a Biblical name... Mikael for Michael?
:)

But with a surname like 'Li'... sometimes, when i read out some names, it sounds a little funny... Robin Er Li.. Robin Christian Li... Ok... drop that...

*Goes on* - I'm looking forward to the day I get baptist!

2009-01-05T06:58:00.004+08:00

Saturday started off well... Stayed back in camp to accompany Ryan as he was on duty and after that, headed to a coffeeshop nearby his place to makan breakfast... Fish soup + rice... Delicious!

Dad blessed me with $50! Thanks Dad... i intended to 'loan' $30 from him, but he said it's ok, he'll give it to me... I had to get my hair cut as Tuesday, there will be a parade, and it's where my fellow NSF buddies get a spot check for their hair, and attire, AND fingernails... -_-
Came back kena lectured for not going to a cheaper haircut salon near my house which cost $5.80 compare to the one that i went which i have to pay $9. Well, i didn't go to the cheaper one because the service there was bad... Left a bad impression...

I headed to service right after that, wandered around JP as i was so early, and well, met Weipin, Jamie, Markson, Amanda and JingHui... And we left there at 3pm! I'm not so used to going to service at this timing... :( I'm always an early bird (perhaps that explains for the name that was given to me)... Not never but rarely late.
Pst Kong shared with us about the plans in 2009 that CHC have in the coming months. And what caught my attention was WATER BAPTISM! Come this February, I'm gonna go for WATER BAPTISM! I believe that I am ready for it this time...
Service ended, we headed to the coffeeshop opposite church to have our lunch-dinner... Was starving... Seriously, starving... And was glad that the chicken chop was able to fill my empty stomach.

And after that, I headed home. While the members continue to decide where to go..l. Haiz... Always like that... Sorry guys, it's quite indecisive when choosing a place to fellowship... So it's best...

----------------------------

SUNDAY

Woke up at around 1:30pm... Been sleeping for long hours knowing that i need it really badly... :) Thank God it was the weekend... Had a late lunch, watch Cinderella Story on Channel 5... Thought Hilary Duff was cute, now, she looks more mature... -_-
And waited for Eliz reply to give me the thumbs up that we will have laksa for dinner... Hours later, finally met her and had laksa at Queensway... Wait, KATONG LAKSA to be more precise... Have to go all the way there for a good one... It was on me, so i treated her... And she ate faster than me!

We walked around Queensway like zombies... And finally decided to go to PlazA Sing at 9pm... 9PM! Yes, we were bored.
Sadly, when we alighted from bus 64, it's only then did Eliz realised that she lost her phone... :(
I tried calling countless of times, and for 2 hours, the phone was ringing... She was definitely angry with herself, but i'm glad she manage to control it and vent it at the arcade... I wasn't really in the mood, but i joined in as I know, she needs someone there for her... Well, a new phone can always be bought, but the idea of changing number really sucked... So i still continued calling, hoping a kind Samaritan would pick it up... If not, well, it's a lost and probably a lesson learnt... I was still blaming myself partially... But she told me it isn't my fault...

Well, i have to go for morning run now, and intensive gym training... Need to discipline myself...
Checking out...

2009-01-02T17:40:00.004+08:00

It's the first day of year in camp today... Hmm.. it was alittle boring, but at least i have someone to talk to, and well, someone who pissed me off...
But it went well after all... Started off with me heading to the gym right after morning run... WENJIE is my inspiration! His home built pull-up bar and 2 dumbells inspired me to push further and build muscles... And also, the never give up attitude... Come this March, i'm gonna be a mini-hulk...

My understudy came last week as i am going to finish up my 2 years in NS... And well, lots of stuff to pass on to him before i can leave the army in peace... Great guy, and definitely hardworking.
However, i have Junlong's understudy to take care of at the same time... And he totally pissed me off when i gave him directions to what he should do... Defying me as if I'm a joke to him until i lashed out at him and tell him that if he doesn't listen to me or show any respect, he's not only going to get himself in trouble, but me as well... As him to tend a room filled with computers as there will be contractors fixing the door, and not wanting anything to go missing, he brushed it off and ignored me... Well, army... they emphasise alot on security...

Oh well... Tomorrow's gonna be a better day... It's service! Must stay focus, stay focus...

2009-01-01T18:45:00.004+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Finally 2009 arrives...
What are my resolutions... Ah... give me a while to ponder and summarise it out...

On the very last day of 2008, the very last hour... I was playing 'Taboo' with a few members after my cg's N402 Appreciation Day!

Had a blast, anfd thanks Wayn and your bro for preparing such a wide variety of dishes for dinner! Had gift exchange, and vincent picked my name again as his mortal... He got me a wallet, which i felt is a blessing as mine is almost torn and worn out... Thanks Vin!

While my mortal is Markson, whom i bought a shirt from DC... Thank God he liked it, otherwise i don't know what to do with it...

I don't kow why get affected easily... so easily that I thought, it was dumb... But i just get those unwanted feelings. Even when I have Nicole by my side trying to encourage me to move on, it's still difficult to say, "I will..." There's so much doubtness in me that i'm not even sure if i'm capable of looking forward to a new lease of life...

But anyway, it's the new year, shall not brood over it... I'm thankful for the members i have in the cg. Just thankful...

2008-12-28T15:05:00.001+08:00

2008 has been a year ups and downs... Sadly, it's more of downs though the first half of the year was considerably amazing.
The downturn in my life will not ruin my chance of ending the year well. With CG Appreciation Night on the last day of 2008, I'm absolutely sure that it's gonna be a great one!
------------------------------------
What is 2008 without music?
Music always plays a huge part in my life. It's still the case about me not instrumentally talented at all... A rocking good year in music, great albums from my favourites, and couple that with music that totally got me hooked to.
Album of the year will probably be Amon Amarth's "Twilight of the Thunder God". Despite it being the typical style that Amon Amarth plays, i find it hard to dislike the album. It's just so, Amon Amarth!
Perhaps the only difference is the lyrics theme. It has always be Odin, Viking Mythology without a notable mention for Thor. And guess this album is dedicated to Thor...

On the lighter side and more appreciated type of music, it has to be The Glorious Unseen... Amazing band that i just got to know this year. Their worship album, "The Cries of the Broken" brings nothing more but powerful and reflective lyrics for those in need of God's anointing.

------------------------------------

I was definitely facing lots of emotional rides this year. Torn, broken, severely hurt internally... My mind wasn't able to cope with all the flowing thoughts of suicides...
I believe that I'm able to let go of these to begin moving on in life after such a disappointing year...
Knowing that holding on to the past will definitely get the better of me, and affect my relationship with those close to me. So it's best to lay down those memories of hurts and get on with life. For i have forgiven those whom I've hurt, and i hope, i've been forgiven to those whom i've hurt...

The one thing I should probably do is wake up and start looking at things in a rather more unselfish way. I admit at times, i'm blame Him for everything when things don't turn out well... I rebel against my own leaders as if i was right about everything. This must come to a standstill... It's probably my resolution for the year.
God was definitely there for me when i was down and out. The signs weren't clear to me, it wasn't and probably i let not only myself and the people around me down, but most importantly God.

Today, I feel better. Much refreshed compared to a few weeks back... And I thank God and the people around me for the much needed encouragments...

I wish everyone who read this a happy and blessed new year ahead... Everyone will be looking forward to a much better year ahead... Are you?

2009, HERE WE COME!

God bless

2008-12-27T21:30:00.003+08:00

Service was such a revelation to me... Hitting me right in the face. Of course, I'm glad i came today despite whatever that's happening around me.
I do hope everything, is resolved. Yes, I want her to be happy, and of course, watch her grow stronger in the Lord.

:)
Anyway, after svc, had LJS with the members and walk around JP...
Now, at Wen Jie's place... Great friend to hang out with... :) And taught me to look at 'PROTEIN' when it comes to buying milk or soya bean as it gives more muscles... -_-
Don't usually do that when i buy those...

2008-12-26T06:53:00.002+08:00

I typed a blog entry about having a memorable Christmas this year... And i thank God that i had one. :) And it began in the early hours.
I 'gave away' my ipod nano which is only 2 months old. It got stolen from my pocket when i don't know what the hell am i doing sleeping on a bench just near my house.

Christmas eve was bad enough, Christmas was even worse...

Was supposed to hang out with Fadhli and Sebastian... well, we did. We ended up at the LAN Shop, but after 2 hours, they wanted to walk around, I wanted to stay as i was midway through a conversation with her. And i felt that things weren't exactly resolved (it never did in the end), and so, i told them to walk around and find me later...
Unluckily, my phone batt died... I stayed till 3am at the LAN shop, hoping they'll come back... they didn't. So i'm left outside, stuck outside alone... and ended up walking home from Paradiz Centre.

I reached my house area around 5:30am. And i chose to stay outside for awhile. And ended up falling asleep. How clever. My mood was really low, and when i woke up, the next thing i realised, some bugger plucked out my ipod in my left pockets from my earphones... I felt useless at that point of time... Dumb...

I msged Eliz to tell her that, and she probably did her best to calm me down, but apparently she failed to do so. She said she can't be there for me. When she said that, i just couldn't remember or give a shit why i cared for her to begin with.
I know and she knows that I was there for her even though it was coupled with a number of mistakes... But it's the thought that counts. Still, she believes the past is the past... She begin to have this mentality about defining the line will do us good... Eliz, it wouldn't. Reason is because, everything will benefit you... Even in times like this when i needed someone, no one is. She wouldn't even consider but give a straight 'no' just because of that line she drawn... Not willing to drop it for once. Once.
People will say, God is. Don't tell me God is when physically His people aren't.

2008-12-19T12:57:00.002+08:00

And so, Christmas is around the corner...
What's the big deal huh?
Just a fews blog entries earlier, i hoped for a memorable one... And I'll probably have that, not for a good reason.

Christmas is about giving and not getting. Though we do wish for something, what matters most is that we give gifts for the people we treasure. So far, i've given one. As much as I hope for my wish to come true, i know it will never happen. It's not about putting my mind to it, but the decision lies in the hands of others.

Christmas is remembering about the birth of Jesus Christ. Today, it's a commercialised holiday for the wrong reason... I remember there was a gang fight at orchard 2-3 years ago on that very day. The jam packed routes at orchard road causes a less enjoyable time... chaotic... And not forgetting, "you spray at me, you get whacked" thinking by many typical bengs... Still, i hope people remember how this festival came about rather than ignoring it.

I remember going to 'To-Megatherion' (a heavy metal cd store) at Penin during the Christmas period 2 years back... and lol... the owner wished me, "Merry Anti-Christ-mas"... =) I find it funny though, not a bit offended...

Oh well, i wish all everyone a Merry Christmas, and yes, a Happy New Year ahead...
Ciao.

2008-12-18T00:16:00.002+08:00

That friendship seems over...

When i think about it, it brought back many memories, both painful and joyous.
In life, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes we overlooked it, we're too blind to even realise it, until when it happens. Today, that day happened for me.

To lose her as a friend was the last thing that i ever hoped for when i won her over as a friend. I have no one to blame but myself for being so blunt, so dumb, stupid and probably, blind. For the chances given to me, i took it for granted and went back to the same old habits... Now it's just too late. It's a wake up call for me, at the same time, it's a loss.

No friend can meet every single needs, but be there for that person. I know i did what i could, but those were the past. The past doesn't matter at all... What happened, happened, and there's not turning back.
I'm truly sorry that I've overlooked the situations, and the chances until it's too late. Too late...

This loss is so painful for me that i wonder how I'm able to cope with life... Moving on will be difficult, but i want to believe i can.

God, He sees my apologies, He sees my pleas, and He knows that I'm broken.
I just want to escape from this world, but i guess, there's more in store for me from Him.

2008-12-16T11:32:00.003+08:00

Today, it all began well... And i was happy with the quick progression i've made so far... I hope it's not something that i would just slip-up easily.

However, as i was making my errands issuing out recycled landyards to my officers, i saw one of our auntie cleaner fell... Haiz... It was painful to see as she tripped over a curb... It was a situation that i know i have to help her up... It would be nasty if i walk away, and i thank God that I didn't make such a move...
I didn't understand the dialect that she spoke to the 2 other camp mate whom i'm familiar with. I understood that before this, she already injured her knee, and it was definitely a double blow this time round. All i could do was help her up, picked up her stuff...

This act of kindness moved me alot... As i've always considered myself a selfish... person. Probably, with the way i handled stuff. It's not something remarkable that i helped somebody, you may think as many would if they were in that situation... Somehow, it is something for me, something emotional.

2008-12-16T04:04:00.002+08:00

It's 4:04.
And i thought i would be sleeping around 2am, but i chose to stay awake for awhile.

I browsed the net for Phil Pringle's sermon and found one on our church website... a podcast... A sermon entitled, "Prayer".

Such a powerful message that i feel God is trying to communicate to me. I know my weakness is how i dislike to pray... How i wish 5 minutes of prayer could change to 3hours the moment i open my eyes.
And now, how i long to get the spirit of prayer upon me. To find the prayer that is the key to our revival, our success, our personal victory.
Prayer is our foundation to God, and only through prayer, we can carry out God's command.

The secret to our strength is our prayer...

There are 2 things that makes out prayer effective.
- We pray until, we've broken through
- We pray with faith
Faith comes by hearing of the Word of God, without faith, it's hard to please God.

A worried doubtful prayer, has no impact. There's no greater pain you can give God, than to doubt Him.

2 Tim 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Amen to that.

2008-12-16T00:04:00.003+08:00

Moving on will take awhile...
And i realise that i want to... not for the benefit of my needs, but hers.
Yeah... She needs her space, and i probably was such an asshole like she mentioned so many times...

My world and life shouldn't resolve around one person, though she means alot to me. But yeah, like what i said, I can't let it be for MY benefit...
Spacing out for her, I know it will make her happy, and i feel that's what she needs... Time heals, and i hope that it will... I will always regard her as a friend, no matter what...

I wish to start by focusing on my walk with God. I know i've been dragging this for like forever, and it points to nowhere... I can't dwell in this forver and i ought to pick myself up, cos no one can, except me.
And yeah, I need to start renewing my mind... Renew, renew...

Life is just something we go through, to prepare ourselves eternity...

*Listening to CCC's "For Your Glory" album on imeem... Love it!"

2008-12-15T13:32:00.003+08:00

This is DEFINITELY the very last time i blog.
I don't see any reason to continue on with life.

And all this while, i did what i could... but my best was not enough.
It makes me feel that in life, i've failed miserably as a friend. I've done nothing good... I'm just a useless asshole despite the times i was there for her which she probably forgot.

I tried to watch out for her, but she called me possessive... It never crossed my mind, and i know that well... There's nothing i could do if she thinks of me that way. Nothing.
And when it comes down to nothing, there's exactly NOTHING in life that will ever make me the happy or jovial person i once was.

Right, i messed up her life, i screwed up all the chances given to me, my life is fucked up... And when i was genuine about my apologies, I got that threw back in my face...

Whatever it is, I'm sure and i know that Eliz will be happy when i'm gone... She will be, trust me.

And so, i end it all here...

2008-12-09T07:17:00.002+08:00

I spent most of the weekends at home...
Felt bored, lonely...
Went to Fadhli's place on saturday... about 6pm... Am i in need for company? Probably...
The one person i hope to spent time with, i can only spend it on one of my leave days this week... Though my gut feelings tells me that she'll back out...
She seems to be always waiting for something more important than me to happen before she says, "Ok... We'll meet up"... Or if not, it's "Sibian, suibian..."
Her 'Don't know' answers pisses me off sometimes... It's not as if i want get pissed over it, but it just seems irritating..
Sometimes, I don't feel she's treating me as a friend...
*shrugs*

Went to the library on Sunday after watching 5 episodes of Amazing Race at home... Borrowed 3 books, reading one finish.
I went back, still feeling a little left out...

I met up with Vincent on Monday. We went 'window-shopping'... I know this sounds alittle gay... but yeah, I consider him one of those close friends that i can actually confide in.
There's lots of stuff i eyed while we were Harbourfront... 2 long sleeve collar shirts from River Island... A pair of Skinny Jeans from TOPMAN... And a mixture of shoes from many shops... Though Converse isn't one of them...

Probably I'll buy them this month... maybe with Eliz... or maybe with Fadhli...

Come to think of it... I've never went to buy clothes with Eliz around... I don't like the idea of buy jeans cos i would like to save the trouble from having to take out my converse shoes... Maybe I'll wear flip-flops....

I won't be blogging till next week... On leave for the next 3 days...

2008-12-04T20:07:00.002+08:00

PES B!
That is my PES Status now! From PES E to B... that's a huge gap!
Well, i had to go for my review yesterday after many delays and system faults (my PES Pes status expired in March 08),and my camp FMO graded me that PES. Indicating that it shouldn't have been PES E in the first place.

Well, consider it luck or whatever, i don't have to go through BMT... But now that I'm going to be PES B in January or once I ORD (reservist awaits... -_-), so why not upgrade my rank to a sergeant? I don't mind...

I don't know if i should take it as good news or bad news... it sounds like good news when i heard that there won't be BMT for me, but bad news that i have to go for reservist... Well, can't have the best of both worlds right? Suck thumb lor...

2008-12-03T23:18:00.002+08:00

What a busy day it was, yesterday and today... as we prepare for a security check in camp...
Lots of last minute stuff to do...

Both Ryan and I were probably the last NSF to leave camp... that's because we're honestly putting in a lot of effort in our work... Wasn't really happy with Jun Long's attitude towards this crucial period. Where was he? Teamwork? Hell no... He took leave while me and Ryan struggled to finish up whatever we could... And today, he didn't even help at all and went clubbing instead... Tomorrow's the security audit, and it's in this time, you realise who are the ones who will really help...
SSG Ben is a great man who encourages us when we feel a bit stressed up...
He's been there, and probably the only regular who sees the effort we made...
Sadly, his superior still arrow him tons of work despite knowing the fact that this time, it's difficult to manage lots of work at the same time...

Haiz...
Like what she said, she probably got tired of talking to me... She say, everyday talk very sian... And well, i didn't hear from her today, not even any return calls...
Despite limited time to even sit down for a cup of coffee, i called her, wanted to see if she's ok... No answer... No call back...
Yeah, things will never be the same.

2008-12-01T23:13:00.004+08:00

My... the dreadful thought of having to spend Christmas, alone.

I'm so looking forward to the event... But who can i spend it with?
The one person i wish to spend with, she probably will spend it with her friends. Family? It's different ever since i moved out of my mum's place. My mother likes organising Christmas party at home.. And instead of enjoying myself there, she uses me to wash dishes...
And yeah... Never enjoyed myself...

I wanted it to be different every year... But it just looks the same to me... And it's like, I don't remember it... I forgot how i spent it last year... And the year before... and the year before that year... and so on...

All i want for christmas, is something memorable....

2008-11-30T07:57:00.003+08:00

FRIDAY

Was really so tired, that i didn't do any work in camp... gotta admit that...
After camp, i headed to Yio Chu Kang to meet up with Vin, to go to Angeline's place for a birthday gathering. To celebrate Kenny, Markson and Wen Ping's birthday. Good thing that all of them were present.

I had to leave early, but in the end, left at the same time as them at 11.15pm... I forgot to bring home my house key, so i have to be considerate to reach home as early as possible so that someone will open the door for me.... Otherwise, i have to brave the streets when anything can just happen....

SATURDAY

Woke up early, called Eliz, and she began complaining how bored she is in the morning... Walking around the house like a zombie... So we met up. I had to go to City Hall cos someone wanted to buy 2 cds from me, both from As I Lay Dying who recently performed in Singapore on a Taste of Chaos tour... "I'm gonna miss Grave performance today at Republic Poly!!!!!!!!!! Cos i'm on duty... :("

So met up with Eliz at 12pm when it was supposed to be 11.30am, thanks to my creditless prepaid phone... And also, manage to reach Queenstown at 11.45am...
Haven't seen her for so long... As in, well, she went to OBM, and recently came back...

Funny how we just went to City Hall to do three things. Maybe 4.
1. Collect $$ for my cds from a guy whom I've sold my cds to before...
2. Eliz went to buy starbucks coffee, and added lots of milk till it overflow... And went back to starbucks again within a span of 2 minutes to pour more milk... -_-"
3. We went to Peninsuala, cos i wanted to check out the new metal store, Hell's Labrintyh... But in the end, it was closed... 'Be back in 10 minutes'.
4. Ate Long John Silver for lunch... I allowed her to take whatever she wants from my 'Golden Deal 1, 3 piece chicken...' When i t just consist of 3 pieces of chicken, very little fries and lots of crumbs.... + the sprite...
We went to service after that... Prayer Meeting first...

Service was good... A short one. And everybody was still hyping about Asia Conference which i missed it, for no specific reason. And it came to the point that i felt that I've missed it alot... :(
Sorry, i just didn't want to attend Benny Hinn's conference...

We fellowshipped for awhile at McKopi... It was a coffeeshop that used to be McDonald's 4-5 years ago... -_-
And i can't believe I ate slower than Vincent! And almost slower than Nicole... Joel and Wen Jie kept pressurising me to faster faster, cos nicole finishing her bowl of don't know what noodles... Let me enjoy my meal lah!

In the bus, they played some 'games' that was initiated by Wei Bing.. I gotta be honest, it annoyed someone that he kept glaring at the members and mumbled a few vulgarities...

I went home after that, knowing tht I've got duty tomorrow (today)... Bought the New Paper and read about how our singaporean got killed in the Mumbai attack. That kinda feeling of rage just built inside of me.. Of course not so drastic until i threw things around and punch random people on the streets... But, yeah, it's a very very tragic incident for all in singapore... An innocent life just gone like that... Haiz...
What's the world coming to? We have the Bangkok protestors raiding their local airport, eventually caused flights to be cancelled... And now, in Mumbai, India...
*shrugs*

Anyway, I'm off to continue my duty... Will probably blog at a later time...

Oh yeah, saw your message Sherlyn... thanks for asking if everything's alright... :) I'm fine... I couldn't contact anyone cos I'm alittle cashless and will not be topping up my pre-paid till the the 10th of December...

2008-11-27T23:05:00.002+08:00

I have chosen Mor Principoum Est's track, 'Lost Beyond Retrieval' as the theme track for my blog...
I was so hook to this masterfully done instrumental track when i first heard it from my ipod.
Maybe this will change the mindset of those who thinks that metal is all about screaming, shouting, shrieking....

Enjoy while you can...

2008-11-25T21:41:00.002+08:00

I've got a piece of good news!

Looking at my grades in ITE with a GPA of 2.0 in Digital Media Design, i thought all hope was lost...
I don't even hold an 'O' Level cert to help me with that crappy result.
It all boils down to the fact that i took the wrong course in ITE... :(

Anyway, out of topic, I'm eating macs now in camp... Thing I need to stop it... It's addictive...

So, i'll be going to MDIS at Dhoby Ghaut to make some enquiries, and if i come to a decision, I'll apply on the spot if possible...

I'm glad there's an open door for me...
Thank God.

2008-11-25T05:36:00.002+08:00

On Sunday, woke up early to meet fadhli who just finished work at 8.30. He invited me to his place to celebrate his nephew 1 year old birthday.
So cute lah!
Ended up blowing balloons and decorating the staircase.. not complaining. It just took us 3 hours to do that, and all the effort gone 10 minutes later.

I was there till 10pm and met his relatives.

And suddenly, i don't feel like blogging...

2008-11-20T18:13:00.002+08:00

"This is an organised event by the organisation. You're working in the organisation, therefore it is compulsory to attend..."

That statement was given to me when i questioned my CSM about an event that is compulsory to go after camp tomorrow.
And bloody hell, the event?

SINGAPORE CUP FINAL: SAFFC vs WOODLANDS WELLINGTON

How ridiculous that they made it compulsory? More over, they need to get their facts right.. This isn't organised by SAF but rather FAS (Football Association of Singapore). And what pissed me off is that we NSF have to go when we were told so last minute like 2 days earlier!
I thought i could attend the night session at the Asian Conference tomorrow, and now, I can't, thanks to this so called, "important" event.

One reason behind this is because, my Chief Guards Officer is the manager of SAFFC.
He's a great guy, no offence... but seems alittle wrong to make it a compulsory event just to fill up the seats at the Jalan Besar Stadium. And we're not true fans of SAAFC, and they ENCOURAGED us to wear blue, the SAFFC colours. Where's the sportsmanship in the game just to get a horde of 'non-S-League enthusiast' to make up for the numbers?
And one issue, though I'm not a fan of S-League, I am still a Woodlands Wellington supporter!
You can't ask me or force me to support a team that I don't...

What annoys me is how this CSM of my camp phrases his words...
He's probably the most unreasonable person in camp...

I'm going to miss my first day of Asia Conference, and I'm not happy about it. It's really illogical!

2008-11-18T16:44:00.004+08:00

REVIEW ON:

DARK TRANQUILLITY - FICTION

Melodic Death Metal's Finest

95/100

Considering that Dark Tranquillity is a strong influence to today's melodic death metal, with 'Fiction', DT takes it to another level.
With In Flames spiralling off the MDM movement with continuous mediocre releases, DT is ready to fly the flag as one of the main pioneers of the melodic death metal movement.

Comparisons made between the above mentioned bands, but lets set it aside today.

One thing for sure, I had this fear that DT would abandon their roots and end up being yet another 'metalcore-concept' band. Honestly, i wasn't even prepared to start listening to the whole album... The fear of ending up disappointed.
Not until recently.

"Fiction" represents Dark Tranquillity well. Clear cut vintage Dark Tranquillity to be precise.

Mikael Stanne has the ability to growl demonically and scream while retaining total control over his voice. Probably one of the best vocalist in the business. In 'Misery's Crown' and 'The Mundance and The Magic', Stanne gave us a preview of his clean vocals once again, which no doubt is a remarkable improvement from his earlier efforts. And not to forget, a female guest vocalist which was used to tremendous effect in the chorus of "The Mundane and the Magic".

One of the main strength that lies in DT is how they are able to incorporate the usage of keyboards and ever-brilliant guitars so well. And couple that with powerful lyrics that reflects about life in various events.

I'm not going to give a review of every song on the album, but for the most part, every one of them is amazing. Amazing to the point that is indescribable.

DT triumphed with this perfect album
Looks set to be the rightful owner to the throne of the MDM movement, and i don't see anyone coming close to that.

- Robin's review on Sherlyn's favourite band.

2008-11-17T07:23:00.002+08:00

Feel really tired of life these days...
Depending too much on people...
"Robin, gotta wake yourself up!"

Anyway, I'll keep praying for Eliz's safety when she's at OBM...
I doubt i'll make it alive when she comes back... I'll try, but chances are just 50-50...

Don't feel like blogging...

2008-11-16T23:30:00.002+08:00

Can't sleep...
Am i just waiting for her to come online?
Why?

I haven't spoken to her for quite a few days already...
Probably am missing her... As i look at the msn alert hoping it's her...

Haiz...

2008-11-16T19:03:00.004+08:00

I love white tigers... I'm not surprised over the incident... cos in any case,whoever steps into an enclosure filled with dangerous animals, must bare the consequences... Still, the reason why the zookeeper entered the enclosure is a mystery.
I don't believe it's a suicide...
How the tigers react could be because they felt provoked in their territory, or they just wanna play... curious creatures you know?
But whatever people say about putting down these tigers, deserve to be shot in the head.

-_-
I just love tigers...

2008-11-14T18:20:00.002+08:00

Met up with Sherlyn last night... Well, waited for almost an hour cos she had to attend a 'meeting' in school... :)
We kept our word to eat at TCC, and introduced to her the potato wedges... (How could you miss that!)...
I had Banana Salmon Exotica... love the salmon... while she had some kinda mushroom spaghetti... Mushroom lover... Lol!
Though it was a short while, cos she had curfews, i managed to leave whatever that' distracting me at home...
But not for long... Today, the moment i woke up... I felt that pain of being 'forgotten' haunt me, and i left Eliz a message...

Indeed, i'm a forgotten person in her world... Someone who been through shit, and well, this is what i get in return... That's life huh?
Or that's friendship...

2008-11-13T08:17:00.003+08:00

I think i can get really tired that i start blabbering nonsense...
-_-"

I met up with Eliz yesterday...
Got my ipod at Cineleisure... It's Orange... I wanted the red so badly, but yeah, got to order... It's a limited edition one...

Well, when i got it, I didn't feel all those excitement i had a day before, or a month before... I appreciate her for accompanying me... Thanks Eliz.
When I got the ipod, it comes with an amazing free gift! A cool JBL Reference 220 earpiece that costs $125.00! And it's free!
Gonna sell it for $110... Looking for buyers... Anyone?

I was hoping i wouldn't feel low, or should i say 'emo'. Is it because when I'm out with her, memories of the times i spent with her just came back?
I have to say, she moved on... And I just can't seem... "Alot of fishes out there...", "The forest is so big..."... I know...
I've never met anyone as amazing as her... And i just let my cocked up personality screwed it up...
I can't be disappointed in anyone, but deeply ashamed by my ways...

Oh well... I know she still cares for me as friend... why can't i treat it as that?
Whoever wins her heart, is a lucky man... And i hope he treats her right. That's all i can say, as i swallow all my brokeness...

"If you love that someone, you would let he/her go... so that she will be happy."

------------------------------------------

I read from Zining's blog something that made me think twice.

"that no matter what situation we are in, never be depress about it. But to take a rest and calm ourselves down, so we can think properly as we won't feel aggitated"

It was what her cgl told the members.. And i got to remember this...

2008-11-12T01:27:00.002+08:00

Ok... Metalcore finally made it back to my blood...
Back then when i was listening to Avenged Sevenfold (old), Killswitch Engage, I abandoned the genre for a much heavier and probably, true metal bands.
Today, I here i am listening to Bleeding Through's new album, "Declaration", I'm really impressed with how this metalcore band progresses. Despite it being 'Metalcore', this is sure one unique band that goes to the extreme.

Metalcore, now I'm just eating up all my criticsm about this fake metal genre... Well, it probably still is, but not all is that bad...

Here's just a list of Metalcore bands that I enjoy...

All That Remains
As I Lay Dying
Between The Buried And Me
Bleeding Through
Killswitch Engage
War of Ages

Still, none of these bands can ever overtake my undying love for Amon Amarth, Swallow The Sun and Kalmah.

2008-11-11T21:16:00.002+08:00

I need to gt a hold of myself...
Why am I angry with Zining?
It's only after awhile did I realise that it isn't anything that i should be angry of... Haiz...
I take back my words, but i don't think I can take it back and get things right...
Me and my stupid paranoid mind...

2008-11-11T08:52:00.004+08:00

Probably woke her up from her beauty sleep when i probed a question out of curiousity since she was online...
Which led her to change her msn nick to something like, "MAI CHAR LAH... sleeping"
Not as if I am God to know what you are doing...
Oh well...

Met up with Sherlyn yesterday at City Hall... It was our first meeting... But yeah, glad it was smooth... I was surprised by how i could get along well with her, fearing that i would be nervous throughout...
But things were fine...
We had like a walkathon... We never, NEVER sat down to have a conversation... :)
From City Hall, we made our way to Bugis on foot. She wanted to get some stuff from Popular bookstore at Bugis when the funny part was that there isn't any... -_-"
So we made our way back to Suntec City... And yeah, she got her Pretzels, i had my Fries, Sprite and later, this XXL Chicken thingy... That was our dinner...
=)
We headed back to Bugis, cos she wanted to buy a dessert called Kinko something... Sounds funny... But yeah, it's from *sneezes...* Ah Chew Dessert =)

Probably she made my day... I was looking forward to this meeting up thingy, and i'm glad, i met her...

Eliz called me this morning at 4:30am... Break record already for being the earliest caller of the day... -_-"
I thought she was overseas or what! But i remembered her choir camp is local...
It's quite coincidental... I woke up at 4:27am... I think i was thirsty... So yeah, we chatted for 30 mins plus (it gave me the, "I miss you" feeling...) and went back to sleep again... Funny...

2008-11-09T16:40:00.003+08:00

Truly one of those amazing bands, and probably good albums of 2008.
The Classic Crime may be your ordinary pop-punk or post-hardcore or post-hardcore bands, but this album just seems so unique then the rest.
Honestly, it's not easy for bands of such genres to win over me as a new fan, but probably, this is an exceptional one... It's probably something refreshing for me...
The sounds of The Classic Crime are like nothing I have ever heard before despite a rising number of bands of the same genre...
Very well composed, very good clean melodious vocals... Simply amazing stuff...

2008-11-09T07:39:00.002+08:00

Crap...
I closed the msn window... when i i could just extract the words she said...

Oh well... yet another night, no sleep... due to an ongoing msn conversation with _______ (name shall not be mentioned to protect the person's identity...)

11pm to 7am.
Is it an addiction? Is there such a thing as an addiction of talking to someone on msn? I dunno... Sometimes, it just happens to naturally, it's not an addicition...

So I was told that our conversations should be cut. Oh well, to avoid potential misleads...
I respect her decision whatever it is... And I'll just follow it.
But the moment, when a conversation is cut down, or probably not the way it was, awkwardness comes in...

I don't want to say much about it... But this is all i can say. Not very detailed. It doesn't have to be...

2008-11-08T21:40:00.003+08:00

FRIDAY:
Had an excursion with some personnels from camp to Little India. Well, as a respect for the Indian race, it's a way of respect by learning about their heritage...
It started off when i went to the ATM to withdraw money... Ahead of me, there was this indian fella who withdrew from the ATM with 5 POSB Cards! Gosh!
Probably for his bunch of lazy friends... Many were pissed off in the queue... To me, it was a joke...
Well, i didn't enjoy the whole excursion thingy... Saree reminded of Zining... If so happen, i bump to any indian ladies wearing saree, probably it will remind me of Zining... (too bad, you told me how fascinated you are about the traditional clothing.. :P)
They headed to the temple which i refused to enter...We were encouraged to enter... I still didn't... One, i know that it will go beyond my belief and also, i don't wanna take out my pair of high-top precious converse shoes...
Oh, encouraged by a tour guide. Yes! A TOUR GUIDE that 'preached' to us about the heritage about the Indian culture... So sad, i thought he would tell us the beginning of the Roti Prata dish... :(! And people around us gave us long stares as if we were tourists... Do i not look like a Singaporean?
We headed to a restaurant, Gyarani (something like that), and my! The food's really to spicy for my likings! -_-"
Well, free food though... :D
Headed for CG meeting... I promised Vincent, Sarah, Nicole that i would come... And i glad i did. I felt out of place at first...
I left early as they continue to fellowship as i left my house keys at home, fearing that i might get locked outside...

SATURDAY:
Service day!
I couldn't wait to find my feet again, back in God's kingdom.
And also looking forward to say 'hi' to Zining...
Woke up at 10:45am.. Considered late to me... But well, met up with Sarah and Vincent at KFC, JP and left for prayer meeting... I'm glad i made it cos i know that I have the tendency to escape prayer meeting...
It was a little rough for me as I felt that feeling haunting me again. The feeling of looking out for Eliz in svc... I saw her though, and the moment i saw her, i just wanted to say hi and speak to her a few words, but i know eventually it would be awkward... It's just not going to be the way it was...
Searched for Zining, but well, didn't see her though she said she saw me... Sounds like hide and seek to me... Well, only soon did i realise that she was serving today with the TV ministry...
Svc was great by Rev Ed Silvoso, whom i'm not familiar with, only seeing his name on a couple of books that he wrote... It was a good sermon, and though i was really tired, I'm glad that spirit of tiredness didn't interfere...
With our hands, we may not be what we wanted to be in the end... But God always gives us something to start small with... He gave an example of how a taxi driver, though may be just a taxi driver, can be a able to bless his 'clients'. Cos with the hands that we have, we are able to bless others... That people can sense God's anointing...
With these hands, we can penetrate the marketplace.
I'm not very good at describing... But hopefully this very basic english, you'll understand...

I had a great time with my CG, N402... I regretted on the thought of transferring due to some reasons that is quite illogical that condemned my faith in God.
And with 3 new friends, Evangeline (good to see you again!), Carmen and Daryl... I hope our CG will grow in the coming weeks... Especially during Asia Conference and Christmas! Not only will they come, but i hope they will commit to God...

2008-11-06T09:51:00.003+08:00

How would you like this for you menu at a restaurant?

Couple that with these!

The songs I wrote

2008-11-06T08:19:00.004+08:00

I posted 2 composed songs...
And i realised, what's the point of writing when your heart is not at it?
So i decided to take alook back and read it again...
Just so you know, these lyrics was composed at the stage when i felt that I've became an overcomer... Coming from the background of music choice I listen, these is no ordinary Praise & Worship song that we sing in church...
Figure that out?
When i look at myself now, i think i've fallen way off... And my faith in God is like a burning fire that is extinguished. And i needed to 'recap' what i wrote...

RENEWED

The gate of my heart weld shut
Veins covered by guilt and shame and lust
Streams of uncertainity brought endless doubts
In silence I waited for what is real
Only to see myself sink into a bottomless void

But You've always been there
Negligence got the better of me
Stepping into a vicious circle of pride
Took me away from Your presence

Open the gates and set me free
Devour my heart bounded by sins
And give me a new heart of holiness and righteousness
For I may walk in Your path
Once again.

Raising my hands as I watch myself surrender

______________________________________

WAR AT OUR HANDS

We stand in unity
With one voice, we fight for the truth

God prepare our hearts for this war
As we will take this world by storm
We have suffered for far too long
But on this battlefield, we will gain what we've lost

We will rise against the world of deceit
And watch them suffer in agony at Your feet
For whatever comes against us
Father, vengeance is in Your hands

For just one last breath
When the day comes
We will lay our lives on the altar

2008-11-05T23:34:00.006+08:00

Finally finished my second season of Football Manager! And ended with a bang!

I won the Italian Cup with AC Milan. And it was against fierce city rival, Inter!

And it was definitely one of the best matches that my team played

A magnificent comback from losing by 2 goals in the first half.

I won the league with 17 point clear!

Last but not the least, this the team that made me unbeatable throughout the season.

And here's the player stats.

2008-11-05T17:52:00.003+08:00

Haiz...
I dunno what to do... I didn't exactly get back my sleep during office hours... Instead, watched Ratatouille and Norbit in camp... Feels like a holiday to me..

I didn't hear from Eliz today... I guess i wouldn't be hearing from her anymore. I miss her still, especially the times we had... But yeah...
"The Lord is near to those that have a broken heart, and he saves those who have a contrite spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

Well, i dunno if now Zining is unhappy with me that I fell asleep midway through our msn conversation in the early hours of the morning... It wasn't deliberate.
So yeah...

Zining, if you're reading this, I just want to sincerely apologise to you. I mean, though i was feeling a little tired already at that moment, i did try to stay up to accompany you on msn... But i know, it sucked that i didn't manage to last... The next thing i realised, it's 6:45am... And when i look at the screen on the laptop, you were already offline. But the message you left, i could tell you were a little disappointed.
Well, I am sorry and i want you to know that i didn't fall asleep because i wanted to. Not anything like that.
I'm sorry... And i hope you'll forgive me for that...
Sorry Zining.

Well, to some, it may be a small issue... But to me, it's something of being sincere, and respecting a friend. Therefore, an apology is needed to be given, sincerely.
Nothing in life, is a minor mistake.

2008-11-05T03:39:00.002+08:00

It's 3:37 now. Not sleeping yet... most likely during office hours then i'll take back my sleeping hours.

Having a conversation with Zining, a fellow CHC member, amd also from the same svc!
We've chatted since 7:30pm till now! 8 hours! And still on going...
The thing is that, i just know her... What a long introduction!

2008-11-05T00:05:00.002+08:00

Friends come and go..
But there's a few that will never part from me... Those whom i'll closely watch over no matter how far they are...

This evening... I felt much better than the late afternoon.
For once, I'm able to look back and say, "I can move on..." But I won't move on until i totally forgot about her...

2008-11-02T02:47:00.002+08:00

Just finished my first season with AC Milan yesterday... Won the Serie A TITLE!
Kaka owns! Won fans player of the year, with 32 goals... Amazing stuff...

My second season started off well... Currently on an unbeaten run with 7 straight league wins in a row, sitting at the peak of the table yet again.
Best signing ever would probably be Sergio Aguero. 12 goals in 10 games, what a feat! Costing me 36million...

The good thing about this game is that there is this config.xml file that you can use to insert player profiles pictures in the game! Logos as well, and also, changing the ungly layout of the game to something much more sleek... Cool huh?

Will post print screens if possible!

Now off to my game... I have a match to catch. Or 3 important matches in a row?

Juventus vs AC Milan
Ajax Amsterdam vs AC Milan
AC Milan vs Inter (THIS IS THE BIGGEST GAME!)

2008-10-30T21:39:00.003+08:00

Things are so different now. Though i've got my FM2008 to accompany me, i watch as my once 'best friend' stop contacting me.
Yeah, the evil spirit of lonliness still dwells in me. And i just miss her calls, her msges... Even though it was so random...
Now, her intent is to break away from me, cos we can't be that close...
Why is she doing this to me?
Haiz...

I know i've been happy lately... but only to realise that, i'm still in a state of depression... I never had a best friend, until she came into my life. Now, that she chose to stop contacting me regularly, I realise that i no longer have a friend i can talk to, and trust. I have no one, I'm alone.

-------------------------------------

Been playing Football Manager 08 lately... Though the new edition of this addictive "strategy" is coming out soon...

Very realistic football managing game... And it's not just about buying your favourite players and putting them in your choice of team.
It's about strategising and how you manage your player.
Player's morale, contracts, form, making them feel at home... And winning games together.
Currently leading my beloved AC Milan in the Italian Serie A, top of the table now, but i need to do some arrangements to my aging defence....

I'm currently playing a formation, 2-4-1-2-1
Complicated huh?
My strength lies in my midfield that's instrumental in the game, dictating the attack.
I'm seriously spoilt for choice when it comes to picking my midfield.

Attacking midfielders:
Kaka, Rafael Van Der Vaart, Joao Moutinho, Pablo Piatti, Yoann Gourcuff

Defensive midfielders:
Gennaro Gattuso, Andrea Pirlo, Miguel Veloso

2008-10-28T19:29:00.003+08:00

Currently on duty... watched 3 movies.
Finally got to watch Zodiac. Great movie, mystery just like Sherlock Holmes... I like this kinda show... Keeps you thinking throughout the whole movie.

After that, watch Epic Movie... I know it's a crap movie, but yeah, watched for fun... Nothing really good...

And finally, Ocean's Thirteen... Need to watch Ocean's 11 and 12... A smart movie, loads of laughter... A movie that I really enjoyed... The plot was great and their plans for making the heist were genius

2008-10-26T19:46:00.002+08:00

Been in camp since yesterday, till today.
Will be going home tomorrow, cos i need to get my uniform to prepare for tuesday...
Happy Deepavali to all who celebrate this festive occasion.
Wanted to go out with her tomorrow, but she got plans, so yeah...

Joel's on SOL in camp, AWOL... And well, i gave him permission to access my '2nd home' in camp which is the inet room... With a big projector screen linked to the computer... And well, our mini-theatre was set up.

Watch Righteous Kill yesterday... It's that kinda crime show with a twist.

Watched this horror film, "House" and also "The Midnight Meat Train"...
Movie marathon huh?
Now searching for another movie to watch...

Gave up playing Football Manager... lost touch, and can't win games... :(

Just decided to watch, "The Family That Preys". Don't think it's released here in Singapore... But will review to you guys about the movie...

I'm off to catch a movie! Yet another movie!

2008-10-25T23:11:00.002+08:00

Crap...
Windows Live Messenger isn't working for me here... Well, gotta stick to ebuddy Webmessenger...

Anyway, my confinement ended yesterday, but will probably resume after my officers are back from exercise in Australia.. *frowns*
And i'm going to try ways and means to sabotage a damn officer who have been picking on me lately of minor issues...

During the next 3 weeks or so, Ryan and I will manage the branch when no one is around... Authorities were given to us to manage the OPS Room (where the personnels do their duties), and tekan other clerks... Forget about the second part... I'm too nice to tekan anyone... =_=

Eng Thai gave me a bottle of 1litre Absolut Vodka for helping him out with his duty... He's flying off to australia for the exercise as well... After that, he's going to ORD! Grr... I'm left with 5 more months!

Dad suggested i should enquire about enrolment at Shatec... Hotel Management? It's not the first time he's asking me to look into it, but i don't see myself being interested in it... Haiz...

Oh, back to that VODKA, erm... I gave it to her... :)

2008-10-22T22:53:00.002+08:00

I just read her blog... Haiz.. It worries me, yet i know she's not in the good mood to talk.

I hope she got my message clear... Hoping she'll be alright...

I've lost my power to make her happy when dark clouds surround her... :( But that isn't important! So long as she's fine, I'll be much at ease...

I learnt that i care for her is not exactly for her to see, and probably not anyone else but rather knowing that it's more of my part as a friend.

Anyway, if you're reading this, listen, "Take it easy... Life will only be harder if your focal point lies in the negatives in life. I mean, definitely it will still stay stuck in you, but I'm sure that His word will guide us out of it... So yeah, build yourself up and stand tall for Him!"

Definitely it is easy said than done, but we got to ask ourselves, "Do we even bother to try?"

2008-10-21T20:05:00.006+08:00

I will remember the time, she was lonely, she was sad... And i know i was there.
I've done what i could, though it wasn't perfect.
All in all, to watch her safe and secure.

I'm hoping for a fresh start in life...

2008-10-19T23:38:00.005+08:00

Currently on duty since morning... will end tomorrow...
And then, it's back to the confinement...
Yeah, life is unfair...

Watched 4 movies today from youtube.

- Tamara - your typical teenage witch story, with a little bit of gory scenes
- Superbad - really super bad college students...
- Turistas - A holiday in Brazil, turned out to be the death of a group of backpackers... Much more gory than Tamara...
- Vantage Point - the storyline may be short, but it was well directed.

Now watching, Never Back Down... I'll probably watch half way

2008-10-19T05:16:00.005+08:00

Watched 3 movies from 10pm to 5am.

1st up was, The Exorcist: The Beginning - It totally freaked me out
It was shown on Channel 5.

After that, watch Final Destination 3 on Youtube. It was divided into 12 parts.
Brutal!

And watched this funny teen comedy, Eurotrip. Had a few good laughs...

But behind all these, lies a broken hearted person.

I failed to show her the love when the chance was there. Knowing these words, "I don't like you anymore..." just tore me apart.

I wish she would really look back and remember all the times we had together. The thought of watching her cling to another guy just breaks my heart... I can't move on. I tried, but it seems impossible.
Letting go of her will be one of the toughest to do.
The times when i went out with her for the past weeks, it was totally different. Nothing exciting. The feeling she had for me, was gone. I was myself, though at times, very 'emo'.

Now, it seems the best days won't come. It wouldn't.
Everyone deserve love time and time again. For the mistakes made, there's always still time to make amends. It's never easy making things go smooth and happy the way we all hoped for... But through the times spent, it's the need to be accepted again.
That's what I'm searching for. And i hope she would realise that.

From today, i don't think i can ever be that happy anymore. I don't think I'll be, especially when she finds someone else. I would sink, and tell myself, "I could be the one. But i screwed it up."

The question here is, "How far would I go for someone like her... Just to win her back?"

2008-10-16T06:46:00.002+08:00

All in all, the past 5 days was one of the toughest i've been going through.
Thoughts of being suicidal, being let down time and time again, confinement for unreasonable officers, no replies... It just makes me even more depressed.
I've not totally picked myself up yet, and I'm trying to... I couldn't sleep last night, or the nights before...
Really tired, but still i refuse to. Cos i was waiting for just one reply, but it never came.

The confinement was harsh. And many of my camp mates know that i don't deserve it. But who could argue with an officer? I wouldn't even voice out my concern for the fear of being given more than what i've been given...
He said, he had complaints from other officers about my work performance... I know it was not good, but not to the extent that I didn't do anything! I've stayed back in camp to finish up some file preparation, no one was around.

I'n my branch, I'm working under 2 SSG, 1 MWO, 1 CPT, 4 MAJ, 1 LTC and 3 DXO
And there's only me, Ryan and Jun Long to do 12 demanding work. And when you're occupied with other officers work, the rest 'bao do' you, insisting that you refuse to do their work. What shit is that?
The DXO are probably the ones that pointed the finger at me. Yes, I've got a strong disliking for them. They come at the most inappropriate time, ask you to do work when it's so easy and any shit brain can do, yet, they find us to do their work. Changing 1 word in a paragraph also need help... They are not computer literate, and I've mentioned that they should go and attend a course! Oh yeah, teach them, they tend to forget, pretend to know what you've taught them, and days later, they ask you, "How do i do this?"

KANASAI!

2008-10-13T12:08:00.003+08:00

Goodbye to those who brought precious memories.

I'll be gone... for good.

Oh... Take good care of Eliz...

2008-10-13T10:45:00.002+08:00

What happened to me?
I watch myself sink deeper, until i realise that I've sink to the brink of depression.

She probably know that i wasn't who i used to be... When happy moments happen, expectations begin to be set... Longing for more happy times with that person. But when it doesn't turn out to be the way you hoped for, disappointment comes. You think of the person differently.

And everything that happens, is forgotten.

Now, I know i did what i could to be there for her, be by her side no matter how difficult time was for me, yet, i just want to see her happy...
Yet, when i feel depressed, there's no one who comforts me. No one who understands me, but still, lashes out at me.

Right now, i just don't see anything in life to look forward to. I'm just awaiting death to invite me.
I doubt she cares.

I felt used at times, but still, i continue being so. Cos i don't want everything to be based on my happiness...

My world is crashing. People think of me the way I'm not.

I don't want to prolong any further...
This is probably goodbye

2008-10-12T19:53:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we care too much, that the only reply we get is, "It's not your problem, why should you care..."

People say things as if they know what's going on my mind. They break the conscious that i have, and turn it around to something untrue.

Things will be different for now, and i know, i'll be different to.

I hope she'll remember me as the friend that is by her side all the time. I hope she will.